The day i died
by XxXSarXxX
Summary: I might continue, depending on the reviews i recieve....
1. So much better then dead

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**A/n I was looking for something which is unique and somethings emotional and this is what i came up with...i hope you approve, i've spent quite alot of time on this, believe it or not. i would love it if you reviewed to tell me your opinions.**

**i dont own roswell or any of the charactars.**

**Liz's point of view, whatever she may say may not be the truth, its the way she sees the world and yes it well be confusing but i hope not to confusing.**

**I am a dreamer by heart so therefor there will be no Tess/Max at the end, although i have to warn the people who do like Tess...she doesn't get a great part in this story, or at all so i would have to advice not to read, although you may still and still give me your opinions, i wont mind. **

**enjoy...hopefully**

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I dig my way out were I have been buried, were they all thought that I have died. They are all so pathetic and so blind to see I'm so much better then dead. I have soil and dirt inside my fingernails while I'm struggling to breathe. I can finally see the bright moon shinning on me as tears come shimmering down my cheeks. It dawns on me that I will never see the sun again. 

I see someone lurking in the shadows as I'm gasping for the breath I so desperately need. My memories are haunting me, it doesn't seem like they are going to go away. I lift my head high and I give a sly smile to the person who is watching me. They see me I know they have and I know they are ready to attack but so am I. I get off the ground and shake the dirt of my pale skin as I see them running towards me, in their hand I see what looks like a stake.

Before they could come within ten metres distance I turn and was getting ready to do a high kick but something stopps me. "My conscience" so instead I turn the other direction and I run out of the cemetery and onto several high buildings. Ihesitantly turn around to see if they were following me and to no surprise they where. I stop myself and slowly turn around.

"Why are you following me?" I ask a little more then demanding.

"It's a slayers job" the small blonde replied

"What, to stalk dead people?" it would be almost funny if I wasn't in this situation I think to myself. "I thought the slayer was only in Sunny dale" I ask not really caring

"I was, until I had to recall the other slayer" she had a flash of despair in her eyes.

I laugh, "so who's the lucky bitch"

For some reason I regret asking as she answers with one word

"You"

I instantly shut my mouth and silently kick myself.

"So what now your just gonna kill me?" I ask irritably

"I would hate to rub It in...but your already dead" she replies

I look at her,

"True" I say,

"Guess you have to catch me in order to dust me" with that I run as fast as I can to building to building, already knowing that she has given up or at least for tonight.

I wonder how long I have been in that coffin, I think to myself, as im still running still not knowing where im going to end up. I jump off a tall building and end up in an ally were there is only a large bin.

I know I have to find someone to help me but it doesn't feel like I can trust anyone anymore, or maybe I never did. It suddenly hits me, I look at my clothes, they still have dirt and soil stains on my dress, I'm desperately trying to flick it off but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm getting incredibly impatient as I finally give up.

I wonder why they put a dress on me; they all know I hate dresses so why did I have to be stuck with a dress for all eternity to sleep with?

I wonder if he came to my funeral, if he cried...if he even cared, as I look up at the moon the second time that night. I decide to put something else on besides this dress.

I wonder if my room is still intact if they were all glad to get rid of me that they through all my stuff out.

I walk slowly towards the side of the Crashdown, I slowly look up to see my balcony and with one single high jump I'm on my well known balcony which I have sat on a billion times before. I try to open my window but of corse it was locked, I quickly look around to make sure no one is looking then I break the lock without even a struggle, I smileto myself.

I quickly glance around to see that everything was still in the same place I left it. I guess I haven't been dead for more then two days. I go towards my closet and shuffle through it; I pick out a pair of loose baggy pants and a nice purple top to go with it. Satisfied with my choice I quickly change.

I go into the bathroom to do my hair in the mirror and to my surprise I cant even see how pale my skin is. I touch my face and I feel how cold it is, I shiver at the emptiness I feel. My hand touches my heart and if I weren't already dead I would have had a heart attack. "I don't have a pulse," I whisper to myself, "I don't even have a reflection." tears slowly brim down my cheeks, I angrily wipe them away.

I quickly do my hair in a high pony tail, trying to do it without a mirror was very difficult. Satisfied at how it felt I go back into my room and jump out the window and then on the footpath.

One thought crossed my mind, "I'm going to kill the bastard who did this to me" I whisper


	2. Memories

I walk these streets all my life and yet now that I'm dead they seem so different everything is so much louder and colder. I don't understand how things became so complicated. I kneel down in pain remembering what happened, which seems so far away now. 

**(Remembering memory)**

"How can he do that to me, god! He said we would always be friends everybody is lying to me! I don't understand this anymore... "I whisper as I look around and notice that my legs took me to the same park that Max took me when he was drunk. I almost bend over in pain, thinking I was going to vomit. "He wont even believe me...it wasn't a suicide, I refuse to believe it...it wasn't a suicide, my best friend wouldn't leave me like that, he wouldn't leave me!" I keep whisper to myself.

Something caught my attention, I slowly look up, I see someone looking overat me at the far end of the park. There lingering in the darkness, thinking I couldn't see them, I wish I couldn't, I admit to my self. I slowly take a seat at the bench, trying to get out of prying eyes. I shiver as I can still feel that same person looking at me, I turn around and the shadow is gone. I canfeelmy eyes go wide as I here a noise, only a couple of metres away from me.

I slowly get up and move across from where I was seated, I pick up my luggage, which is amazingly light for I only have a few things not enough to survive. "I cant believe I'm actually doing this" I whisper to myself, once again. I have my small bag in my right hand and my bus ticket in my other. Im shaking, I don't know how I've came up with this ridicules plan... but then again I don't understand a lot of things right now.

I quickly turn around only to see a man... the same person who was lingering in the shadows, watching me. He looks at me as if I'm some thing he is going to eat, as if im nothing. My voice fails on me, which wouldn't be the first time, I cringe as he comes closer.

"Wha-" before I can say anymore he is gone, I shake a little bit more in disbelief. I take one long breath and continue my walk. I walk along the empty streets once again.

**(End of memory)**

I get up from my crouch position, trying to block out the memories that linger to long inside my mind. I don't want to remember that night, not until I get my revenge, I think to myself. I walk, just walking I'm not sure were I'm going I'm following my instincts.

I feel something... I look down at my stomach and I relies its hunger, I haven't eaten for days. "Well maybe its because you were dead!" Iberate myself. I look around and I see that nothing is open, my heart drops."Your heart isn't even beating" I remind myself. I suddenly hear someone. I quickly turn around and relies it's the same girl from the cemetery, who I thought would have given up by now.

"Cant you just leave me alone!" I demand

"I cant, I'm sorry," she says sincerely

I look at her with doubtful hope "why"

"Your evil and I have to kill you before you kill others!" she says as if she has said it a thousand times before.

"Evil?" I question, "sure I've been called a bitch but not evil!" I sigh heavily "look can we do this some other time I really have to do something"

She looks at me as if I've totally lost it.

"And what, let you kill innocent people, just so you can feed?" she ask in an overly demanding tone.

"Feed? What do you mean feed?" I ask almost in tears that I don't understand anything anymore. I force myself not to think that perhaps I really didn't know anything to begin with, that it was a figment of my imagination.

"Stop playing dumb, I'm sick of talking!" with that she swing kicks me right in my stomach I bend down in pain, with fresh tears dripping down my cheeks. Im now crouched down, I slowly look up to see the blonde in a fighting position. I then cough up blood, I'm crouched next to a puddle of blood. Im looking at my own blood, blood which I didn't even know I still had, some how it gives me satisfactory of knowing that at least I still have that.

I look at her once again and smile, not an evil smile but a thankyou smile.

"What" she questioned, not knowing whether to stand her ground or kick me again.

"I still have blood," I say as if it's the most obvious things.

She looks around, thinking it must be a trap, "what sort of vampire are you?" she ask, probably rhetorical but I answer anyway.

"A damn good one!" a give a sly grin and slowly get up off the cold floor and in a fighting position also.

"You want to fight, fine but its going to be your down fall" I say almost unbelieving my own words. I can tell she's holding back a stiff laugh.

She swings herfist into a punch and aims for my stomach again I quickly duck and kick lowto the groundand in the process I hither feet. She falls on the ground with a thud, satisfied with my kick I hold my position waiting for her to get up. Im hungry, really hungry, I think to myself, I then here my stomach growl.

"ah! Do you have any food!" I ask desperately while she slowly gets up of the ground.

"Come get me" she says with pure sarcasm. I look at her for a second and shake my head.

"Sorry but you would taste disgusting" I say as sarcastic as her.

"Can you quit your friken talking already! God! You're supposed to be a damn vampire, you know you attack me and I attack you!" she says, as now she is pissed off.

I look at her, "Why?" Iasksadly

"There is know, 'why'" she scolds

"I'm not crazy you know, just because im dead and just because I don't have a heart beat does not mean I'm some psycho whichtrys to killeveryone! God! Sure I wanted to get out of Roswell, but it didn't mean I wanted to die! It didn't mean I didn't want to ever see Max! I don't understand how some one can do this, be this cruel, now I have to live with these damn memories which just wont go away and there going to be in my head for eternity! And there is nothing I can do about it!" I cry as i feel tears slideing down my ghost-like cheeks.

She look at me with pure sympathy, she relaxes and stands normal and then she reaches out her hand for me to take "I'm Buffy" she says sadly.

I look at her and take her hand and give her a small, sad smile as i angrily wipe my tears away, yet knowing they will inevitably fall again.

"Liz" I answer, almost not even recognising my own name, I shiver at the thought and as quickly as it came it was then gone. I then look at 'Buffy' again and then I sprint away as far as possible. I run as fast as I can, once again knowing that I don't know were I'm going wehreevermy legs take me.

I keep running not bothering to look back until I lose her, until she gives up and until my legs cant go anymore. Until I;m so tired that I will just collapse and forget about my hunger. I'm finally so puffed out that I'm gasping for air, I then look up and cant believe that I didn't even notice were I was at.

I smile but then the smile fades as I remember what he did and what he said. I quickly block the thought out of my head as I feel a burning sensation on my arm, I look up at the sky and I see that the sun is slowly coming up. Without a second thought I jump up to his room and break the lock and climb into his window. Hopeing that no one heard me

I see him curled up in bed, there was evidence that he was crying last night, there are tearstains on his cheeks were they lay untouched. For a brief second my heart went out to him...then I remembered my heart isn't even beating, I thhink bitterly.

Suddenly I see his eyes are slowly opening as im still hiding in the shadows. I see him slowly get out of his bed, walking slowly towards his desk to an open book. He wrote something quickly down and then got up from his seat towards his wardrobe where he quickly put a black shirt on and some jeans.

He turns around and then our eyes meet "Liz" he whispers


	3. My Dreams

My voice once again fails on me, before I can even move his arms are around my fragile body. His squeezing me tightly as if his never going to let go but I know he will and when he does the emptiness will return, it always does. 

His holding me but I don't attempt to move nor return the embrace, I simply stand there. He finally gets the hint and removes hisarms and slowly takes a step back. He looks at me with those loving eyes, like he used too. I can't help but cringe, im not use to warm embrace. His eyes slowly drift away from mine and onto the lock that I broke.

"I didn't know my dreams can feel so real..." he whispers Horsley. I look at him with a flash of sympathy on my face as I see fresh tears running down his cheeks. He actually cared I think to myself. I cant go anywhere and my voice is failing me and now I honestly don't know what to do, I admit to myself.

I feel trapped, he thinks this is a dream, just a dream. I shake my head and finally speak.

"This isn't a dream," I whisper, he looks at me disbelievingly.

"But...your dead" he says sadly, trying not to meet my eyes.

"I still am," I say simply.

"So what, now your just going to haunt me" he ask sadly

"n-" before I can say anything he cuts me off.

"I've dreamt of you almost every night, you even haunt me in my sleep even when im awake you're the only one I want to think about...when you died, I had so many questions and so many things to tell you. But I knew I couldn't, I couldn't even tell you how sorry I am that I slept with Tess...she could never be y-"

Something inside me snaps as I cut him off.

"Don't you dare talk about her!" I scream, holding my head in my hands.

"I'm dead and you still talk about her, will this pain ever cease to amaze me?"

His eyes go wide, as if he has something he wants to say but is stopping himself.

I cringe once again at the feeling of emptiness hits me, I look down at my stomach I'm so hungry, I think to myself.

"Your not the only one pain" he chocks out

"I have to live with this burden all my life"

"So that's what I am to you, a burden?" I ask bitterly

"You know what don't answer that question because I'm out of here, bye Max!" as I say this I walk near the window. I slowly open the window as it hits me, the sun, my body reacts as I jump out of the burning glades.

I'm on the floor, in the darkness once again and now I know that here is where I will remain. Max looks at me and then crouches next to me.

"Why are you here then?" he ask gently

He forces me to look at him, eye to eye so I do, I sigh and move a little bit away from his presence, he always make me feel so uneasy.

"I have to get away from the light," I say slowly. Thinking that answer has to do because it's the only one I can give him.

He slowly nods as he looks at his mirror and sees that I don't have a reflection. He gets up from his crouched position and stands there dumbfounded I shake my head. "Your scared of me aren't you? Your scared at what I've become, but you cant be more scared then I already am"

He looks right through me, like im some ghost some illusion.

I look at him with disgust, while I decide to make his bed and then sit on it.

"I'm going to bed"

I get of the bed to close the blinds, trying so desperately not to make contact with the light, to move with the shadows. Satisfied with how everything turns out I bounce on his bed and cover myself with his warm blankets and soon after, fall asleep.(

**(Max Pov)**

Max is astonished Liz is dead...yet here she is sleeping in his bed and just a moment ago they were having an argument. He looks at her again, she looks so pale and yet at the very same time, beautiful. He grabs a seat next to his bed and sits down only to watch her. He didn't want her to go away and even though she brings him pain he would rather be in pain then wish her away again.

(Dream) **(Liz Pov)**

I feel so cold, where am I, why is it so dark, why cant I see anything? I cant breathe, there's no air in here.

Im banging on, what feels like wood and it doesn't seem like anyone can hear me. "Help!" I scream as loud as my lung can possibly go "HELP ME! GOD SOME ONE HELP!" I scream even louder, if that's possible.

I already know that im running out of oxygen, if I ever had any to begin with is beyond my comprehension. I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes, I know im going to pass out in a few seconds but before I do, I roll my fist in a ball and punch as hard as I can in the wood which is keeping me from my freedom. I hear a satisfying break in the wood as I quickly put my hands in the hole and rip my way out.

But the world isn't going to make it easy for me as I see dirt and soil coming in the little whole I have just created, blocking my contained air. I soon relies I have to get out of here quicker then I anticipated. I force my way through the soil as its still soft but not soft enough for it still hurts against my fragile skin. I'm gasping for breath as my head reaches the surface.

I gasp once again. Breathing in oxygen on which I lacked so dearly, the desperation soon dissipated when it came to my realisation that the air I was breathing was now.

I quickly sit up as it hits me, it was just a dream only a dream slowly shake my head and shiver as I relies im covered in sweat, I turn to see the clock on Max's desk which reads 5:20 PM it will be sunset soon, I think to myself. Then I can get out of here and never see Max again, my eyes slowly dart to the side where I see Max sleeping soundly next to me on the chair. His innocence blinds me sometimes as I take the blanket and gently put it on his body.


	4. Im Nothing But A Puppet

I shiver as I feel the coldness once again, I feel like something is taking over my mind, my soul my life and there is nothing I can do about it. I look down at my now starving stomach and feel like I'm going to drain away.

My eyes still remain on Max, as he sleeps soundly. I slowly get off his bed and walk over to him. I nudge him to wake up and soon I see his eyes flicker open in resentment. I take a small step back in sadness, he sees my reaction and quickly jumps out of his seat.

"Your...your really alive" he ask still dumbfounded.

I look at him, resenting the fact that I cant just leave, that everything just wont go away but then again I should learn by now that things just don't go away. You cant just push something under the carpet and expect it to all just go away because in the end it never does...

"No, I'm dead" I say plain and simple as if every time I say it, it doesn't hurt. Yet it does, I still don't understand why I have to breathe when im not even alive. When my heart isn't even beating. I hold back a silent cry as I approach Max slowly.

"Look, we've went through this, I-" before I could say anymore, I double over in pain holding my stomach tightly.

Max sees this, I can tell that his tossing up whether or not to help me. He finally makes up his mind because I see him running towards me.

"Liz-"

I cant here him though, I cant here anything, my mind is drifting away from being conscious. I slowly fall to the ground, with a loud thud with only one thought running through my mind, something's is taking away my life, controlling me.

I can still feel pain, I can still see Max but I have no control over my own body, which scares me, I feel like a puppet, some one is pulling my strings and there is nothing I can do about it.

My body is dragged up right in a crooked angle, as Max just sits there and stares at me, speechless. I know he probably thinks I'm some hideous monster, which has lost any sanity I ever had. My thoughts were broken as I find my self, standing up, face to face with Max, just staring at him with a blank expression on my face.

I see him take a step back, my body wont command any orders I give it. I soon see my hand rapped around his neck as I see him trying to grab my hands to push me off. I then feel my teeth getting larger and soon I can smell how nice his scent is. My teeth slowly touch the side of his neck, just slightly on his warm skin. He doesn't struggle nor move, he merely stands there with out saying a word.

My eyes dart to his as I see tears welling up in his eyes, I never thought Vampires had remorse nor sorrow. I thought they could just feed without feeling guilt. Im greatly mistaken, as my heart, which isn't even beating, feels incredible pain.

I stop myself, I slowly take my hands away from his flesh and take several steps backwards. He stares at me, still not knowing what to do, where to go from here. I have pity for him, his ex girlfriend just tried to kill him, sorry, dead ex girlfriend, I correct myself.

I see him about to say something, until I fall on the ground once more, this time only thinking about Max.

All I see is darkness, all I feel is pain and I wonder when the hell I live in will ever end. Yet im curious to know when it will all start because it feels like my life hasn't even started yet and I don't know why.

I here some one calling my name but I don't bother to listen, for they all never listened to my screams nor ever will. I feel so numb and yet and the very same time regret. I feel empty inside, yet I feel full. There's something moving inside me and I don't understand what.

Im dead—

Im shacked awake, by someone with the most incredibly beautiful soulful eyes. Which my eyes seem hypnotised too, I then suddenly turn to the side and what I thought was vomit was nothing. Nothing came up, maybe its because I don't have anything to vomit up, I think to myself.

"Are...are you hungry" he ask concerned yet cautious as his afraid not to come to close. I get up from the carpet as I see him taking a step back I try toignore it.

"Im sor... I didn't mean to..." I don't know how to tell him, that I had no control over what I was doing, that it felt like I was a puppet.

"I... " I stop myself as the realisation hits me, he doesn't even care, I see him looking every were but at me. I shake my head.

"Yeah I'm starving" I say quickly

He nods his head and runs out the door, I hear little thuds going down the stairs.

I walk around his room a little, I see the mirror again, with no reflection of me. I put my fingers on the glass and I feel how cold it is. I then slowly put my head on it and softy hit my head against the glass.

Angry at myself for ever doing what I did, angry is an understatement then again, no words can explain what I'm feeling at this moment. I remember seeing Max's eyes with tears shimmering down just slightly. The hurt he must have been feeling, beyond betrayal...

I don't know what else to do, I look outside and I see the sun is almost gone down. As soon as it goes down, I'm going to get out of Roswell, away from everybody. My thoughts are broken when I see Max entering the room and quickly shutting it behind him. Using his powers to lock the door.


	5. Realisation

**A/n I need to say THANK you all for all my positive reviews, it means a lot to me that people are actually reading my thoughts. So thank you, I will try to make this chapter longer for you all.**

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I see him tremble, with the plate in his hand.

"I brought you some...pasta" he chokes out; I barely resist screaming at him. His scared of me, well of corse his scared of you, you only tried to kill him, I mock myself.

He places the food on his table and slowly walks away from it.

"Please...please don't walk away from me," I plead with him I know it sounded desperate but I don't want him to leave me alone. Liz get a grip! You're going to leave everybody behind anyway, I remind my self.

I see him turning around to look at me and when I didn't say anything he spoke.

"So what are you?" he demanded almost louder then a whisper

"What do you mean what am I? Im not an alien if that's what your asking" I say bitterly.

"Then what are.. who are you?" he demands

I sigh, "I don't know" I say through clenchteeth, he stares right through me again like im nothing. He reminds me so much like that man, Liz don't think of him, I demandfrom myself.

"What do you mean you don't know?" he scream

I look at him, his all the way over the other side of the room, his afraid I will hurt him again. His afraid if I try again he wont be able to stop me, merely because he doesn't want to hurt me.

"WHAT do you mean, you don't know?" he repeats again slowly, trying to stay calm.

"What do you want me to say? Because in the end all you want to hear are lies!" I scream in a whisper

He looks at me, I feel pathetic that it would be so much easier just to shrivel up and die. I don't have to tell myself that im already dead because I already know that fact, I could lie and say im still alive but the truth still lies there.

"I saw you, you were in the coffin, you weren't breathing, you where dead when you were dead at least you where easier to talk too!" he says coldly

That hurt I have to admit, he can hurt me in ways that no one ever could. Im standing there refusing to look him in the eyes, I walk over to where my food still lays on the table. I see Max taking several steps back, trying to avoid my presence, I pick my plate up and sit on his bed.

I look at the hot pasta, which are on my cold hands, it feels so warm. I slowly pick up the fork that was on the plate and I eat the pasta that Max has given me. I am completely ignoring Max expression, which is written on his face. I slowly eat the food, it doesn't taste the way it should, this is not the way I remembered eating food. It taste so plain and dull.

I decide it has to do, as I hear Max trying to say something I cant work out what his trying to say its all jumbled up. I shake my head, which must have been the thousand times by now.

"So why are you here, I... I don't understand, your...I cant read you anymore." He admits sadly.

"How...how did you...how did you die?" he asks, while trying to make eye contact with me. Yet I refuse to meet his eyes, I finally look up at him, only to see him fidget with his watch.

"I...I don't want to talk about it" I say simply.

"Why? Are you afraid you might see the truth!" he demands

I shake my head. "No im afraid I might see a lie, I'm afraid to relive it while im awake, I already live it in my dreams I don't need to while im awake!" I say bitterly

"I also don't want to give you the satisfactory knowing, I died a painful death," I say coldly, surprised how cold I can actually be.

I push my plate to the side and try to ignore the thoughts which linger in my mind.

"How does it give me the satisfactory of knowing you died a painful death? When I cant live without you!" he whispers.

"That's not what you felt when you slept with Tess!" I remind him coldly

"You slept with Kyle!" he hisses at me.

I promised myself I would bury that secret with me until the day I died, well here it is I'm good as dead. But instead I just stood there looking at Max with a flash of despair in my eyes. I don't know why I feel regret when I didn't even do anything. Maybe its because I know the feeling.

That I know how much it hurts to think that the only person you have ever loved has betrayed you by every way that counts.

"I can't handle this right now" I whisper

"Your going to run away again, aren't you?" he ask demandingly

I look at him, "So you got the letter?" I ask sadly

He pulls the letter out from his back pocket, which is now all tared and tattered.

"I...I didn't want to... to forget you, I didn't want to forget the little things either" he admits.

I look at him and I take a few steps towards the window. I soon see that the sun has gone down and the darkness has arrived.

"I have to go, I cant be around you right now...I just...cant" my voice is shaky I know it is, but it doesn't seem like I can control it.

I open his window and jump, I jump and my feet land securely on the ground, at least that's an up side of being dead, I whisper to myself. I start running once again, trying to find warmness in this cold world.

I feel a slight pain in my stomach but I just ate, I think to myself. I touch my stomach and realisation hits me.

**Memories**

"Please, don't touch me!" I scream, shivering from his touch, "No! please don't!"

**(End of memory)**

I hold my stomach in awareness and I cant believe I can be so blind, I relies I have to eat real food...real food to me.


	6. Feeding

I can feel it again, I can feel it moving inside of me, how I ever ignored it, is beyond me. I need...I need to feed I need to feed it and then maybe it will shut up. I look behind me as I see how far I've ran. Max is behind me now, his nothing but a distant memory. That's all... I speed walk to the park, the same park that all my memories lay. I shake my head once more trying to think about other, more important things.

I see a young girl, about my age, running through the park, stupid foolish girl, I think to myself. I smile as I linger in the shadows, hunting my prey. I see her blonde curls bouncing up and down.

I look at her closely and then I give a bigger smile as I realize who it is. I'm going to enjoy killing her, I think to myself. Im going to kill her ever so slowly and when I do, she wont even be able to dig herself out of her grave, I smile to myself.

I look around and slowly follow her with my eyes. As I do so, I think to myself how easy this is going to be. I slowly walk within the shadows, she heard me, I see her turning her neck around to see who it is. It's to late for a surprised attack so instead I run at her and high kick her in the stomach.

"Li..Liz?" she questions

"What, did you think I wouldn't come for my revenge?" I ask her beyond frustrated.

She slowly gets up and just stares at me, she looks as blonde as ever, I think to myself, I have to hold back a laugh. I then punch her in the stomach as I have the pleasure of watching her double over in pain once again.

She then aims her hand up towards me and fires a blast, I'm to quick for her though as I jump out of the way and kick her in the throat. I can see her gasping for breath as she is trying to breathe. This is supposed to feel satisfying, but it doesn't, watching her trying to breathe just makes me feel sympathetic towards her.

I look at her, she has tears running down her pretty little face, I cant stop but wonder if Max enjoyed sleeping with her. I look at her with discussed yet envy her for she has everything I wanted, the only man I could ever love.

I turn around to leave her as I see someone lurking in the shadows, I know who it is.

I see him appear out of the shadows and walk swiftly towards the girl I despise and before I can do anything he has his hands around her neck as I hear a satisfying break. He throws her on the ground next to my feet.

"So feed!" he says as if it's that simple

I look at him with hatred and pain in my eyes and then I look at the lifeless body, which is now on the ground next to me. For a slight second I think about draining her but then my conscience thought better of it so instead I turn around and walk away.

"Your pathetic" he says pitilessly

I hear him and I decide to turn around.

"Its not like I had a choice to be who I am!" I say bitterly

"Oh but aren't you glad you are who you are" he plays with my mind, his so deceiving or maybe its just because I'm so vulnerable. I hate it when he talks in Cryptic.

He walks slowly to the lifeless body, which is on the floor and picks her up harshly and throws her into my arms.

Her neck is twisted and broken, I can feel the tears brimming down my cheeks.

"I didn't want her dead!" I whisper huskily

"You did, you were just to pathetic and to soft, so I did it for you" he smiles at me as I still hold her in my hands. I feel like I cant let her go like something inside me is controlling me to drink her, feed off her.

I shake my head, "No" I scream, "I cant, I...I just cant" I drop her lifeless body on the ground next to me. My stomach...its telling me to feed, to drink her. Im once again used as a puppet as my body is controlled. My hand grabs the blonde by the hair lifting her up without a struggle. I can feel my teeth getting larger and I without hesitation, biting into her flesh.

I drain her without a second thought, yet I still have tears in my eyes. I let go of her body; I let go of the girl who I despised, who I envied and the woman who slept with the only man I will ever love. She took his innocence from him and yet I cant say I hate her.

I look over at the man who turned me into 'this,' he has a smile on his face, how I would just love to smack it of him right about now.

"So did you like it?"

I turn around to see the other small blonde behind me, with a disgusted look written all over her face. I try to lose eye contacted with her as she looks at the man, which is now behind me.

"And you just stand there?" She ask the man behind me

"I tried to stop her but..." he defends himself, I then turn around to look at him, If I said I was applaud it would be an understatement, I have nothing to say to him so instead I punch him, I punch him in the face as hard as I can. I then turn around to look at Buffy straight in the eye.

I know she can see hopelessness in my eyes, I know she wont listen to what I have to say so instead I run for it.... I can feel her following me I know she will eventually catch me but I still have to try. Its just not me which counts on me living anymore.


	7. Were I Belong

Its funny how im trying to protect it, when I don't even know it, when it isn't even alive yet nor do I think it ever will be. Its not born yet and its already taking over my life, it's making me do things, which I just don't do. I cry helplessly inside as im still running, I stumble to the place, the only place were I feel like I belong.

I jump to his window and quickly open it and climb in, I see him on his bed looking up at his ceiling. He jumps from his bed as he sees me, for a second I thought I so a flash of gladness in his eyes but as fast as it came, it was gone.

His staring right through me again, god, the only person I thought I belonged with is looking at me like...I'm pathetic.

"You're bleeding..." he points to the side of my lip, I quickly wipe away Tess's blood, which was on my lips.

He looks confused and just as vulnerable as I feel, my non-beating heart goes out to him as I approach him cautiously. Curious to see if he will take a step back, I slowly embrace him, as it is him that doesn't return the hug nor move from his position, he just stands there.

Although he doesn't return the hug, just embracing him means a lot to me, I slowly let go and take a few steps backwards. He again tries to make eye contact with me but I look away. Not wanting him to see my tears, which have managed to roll down my cheeks.

He shakes his head, in dismay.

"I thought you couldn't handle 'this,'" he asks coldly, more of a comment then a question.

I look at him with hurt eyes. "We need to...talk," I decided, not wanting to talk about what just happened.

"Liz, why are you so distant..." he shakes his head and I can tell, that, that's not the question he wanted to ask.

"How is it, that you're here, walking and talking, here in my room?" he asks, a little bit demanding.

I heavily sigh as I see him sit on his bed and pat the side of the bed, signalling me to sit down. I obey, I quickly sit next to him, leaving aspace so we don't touch.

"I can't give you an answer, merely because I don't have one..." I say honestly

He doesn't seem to be too happy about that answer, I soon see him put his hand slowly where my heart is supposed to be beating. I cringe in awareness, I move away quickly before he can feel that I don't have a heartbeat.

"Don't bother, I don't have a pulse," I say coldly, he looks at me, this time with sympathy.

"Why?"

"Because im a goddamn vampire OK?!" I scream, I soon hear a loud knock at the door.

"Max is everything ok in there?" I here a woman's voice as she opens the door our eyes meet, she looks at me with complete astonishment.

"Li...Liz?" she says not really believing that it is really me, I don't know what to say so instead I just stand there.

"LIZ?" she asks again, I now see tears brimming in her eyes.

"pl...please don't..." I plead with her, I was trying to say don't cry but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth.

She runs to me, and amazingly she hugs me as I soon return the hug, we stay like this for a few moments. I slowly let go as I see a small smile on her face, I didn't even know she cared about me.

My eyes dart over towards Max, as I see pure jealously written on his face, why is he jealous? I ask myself.

"Isabel! Don't you knock?" he ask angrily

"Not when dead people are around!" she replies, I think it was supposed to be a joke but it hurt anyway.

"So fill me in? I'm so out of the loop, its just not funny!" she says in a annoyed tone

"Aren't we all" mumbled Max which is staring at me strangely

"Tess is dead..." I blurt out

"She's what!?" demands Isabel and Max at the same time.

I take a deep breath, "I...no not me...that..." the words just wouldn't come out. Max is now off the bed and is coming towards me. He shake me "what did you do to her!?" he demands.

For once he is scaring me, for once I don't feel like I belong here, maybe I never did. Maybe I just wanted it so badly that I was in denial. I question myself.

Something over took my emotions as I shrug my shoulder his hands fall off me.

"Yeah, I killed her" I spat

"She cried your name the whole time and I laughed" I give an evil smile at Max, seeing how betrayed he looked, only made me want to hurt him more.

Before I lnew what was coming to me, I feel someone slap me in the face. I turn to see who it was, it was Max. Now it is I who feels the betrayal but instead I laugh, I laugh at how naive and how easy it is for him to lose my trust.

I don't bother looking at him because I don't want it to haunt me.

I feel like to crumble, to just fall on the floor and never get up again but instead I look at Isabel, who is crying hysterically and then I look at Max once again, I avoid his eyes.

"Its ironic how know one wants to hear your side of the story, I guess they all just don't have the time, they never did and never will" I give a sly smile and back away from both of them. Climbing out the window for the last time I jump on the ground and walk slowly, knowing they wont follow me because they simply don't care.

I now walk in the darkness, forever, the only person who lifts me up to the light was Max and although I never realised it he was my savour and now I have nothing. I sob quietly to myself, thinking that know one can hear me.


	8. Shut Up

Feed...feed.... My stomach is telling me to feed.... "Shut up!" I scream. "Leave me alone, just leave me alone!"

"You know people are going to think your crazy"

I see him walking out of the shadows, if his doing that to scare me, it's working, I think to myself. I see him smile at me, which only makes me want to smack it off him once again.

I look at him with a disgusted face and feel only hatred for him, if I thought my life was bad before it has just gotten a whole lot worst.

I always thought it was supposed to get better when your dead but its not its completely and utterly terrible.

I feel him staring at me yet he just stands there, he doesn't say anything and for some reason I don't move. I don't understand, I can't move, he scares me more then I scare myself.

'Run' I constantly scream at myself but still I am standing here staring in the eyes of the man I despise more then myself.

"What's the matter Lizzie, cat caught your tongue?" he asks me sarcastically, walking slowly towards me.

I look at him for a moment, totally dumbfounded that he has a nerve to say that. All the things he has done to me and yet I stand here, I feel so pathetic and I don't know why...I feel so cheap and easy to get, all because of him. I see him smile again and I feel my blood boil I finally crack, little miss perfect parker isn't so perfect after all.

I run as fast I can towards the man who turned me into 'this' I can feel all sanity which I ever had, dissipate as I jump in the air and kick him.

I cry in pain as he grabs my leg and twist it. I fall on the ground, in pain, I shiver, I feel so empty and so vulnerable.

I feel like to give up, I feel like to let every thing go.

"JUST KILL ME!" I scream, I'm on the floor pleading for the man I hate to kill me. Pathetic, I scream at myself.

But I know, he is going to do more then just kill me...I'm crying inside.

Liz...don't give up, don't give up! You're just not fighting for yourself...I remind myself.

I'm in pain, I know I'm not in the condition to fight, I see him coming closer to me, with that evil smile on his face.

From that moment I swear to myself im going to eventually get my revenge.

I pick up all my strength; any strength I have left and I kick him in where he is never going to have kids again. He then doubles over in pain; I take this opportunity to my advantage and pick myself up from the ground.

"Hurt doesn't it!"

I say to him with more confidents then I actually felt. I look at him once again and I remember what he did to me, what he has done to me. I then start kicking him on the ground. I feel satisfied but the pain he is feeling right now is not even close to how I felt and will continue to feel for all eternity.

I know he is going to haunt me, in my dreams, in my thoughts but at least I get a little bit of closure, even if its only a small amount.

I kick him as hard as I can, before I knew what was coming to me, I find myself on the floor. I open my eyes to see the blonde looking over at me, I see her helping up the man I despise. I hold my body, I cant fight this woman, she is far to strong, I know that...

"THIS ISN'T OVER" I say to the man, who haunts my dreams, I look at Buffy again and take in her appearance, she looks at me, like I've done something wrong, like im the evil one.

I feel like to say something to her, anything but I stop myself as I see the two of them embrace, I realize she wont listen to me nor believe me...no one ever does.

For the second time that day I ran not looking back, I ran for what felt like hours not knowing where to go, who to turn to, I'm alone, its me against the world. Suddenly I felt my stomach growl, feed ...feed ...feed my stomach chanted again

"SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP" I forced as I fell to the ground screaming.

Loneliness concord my emotions, as I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, I was on the ground, the cold ground. Lying there, not knowing were to go, were to turn too.

I sat up in a crouch position and before I knew what was happening, I vomit up blood. I feel the tears once again brim down my cold, pale cheeks; everything is so wrong, so wrong... I scream in my head. I can still taste her blood inside my mouth, I can still feel her in my arms as I harshly drained every single drop of blood.

My stomach hurts unbearably, I'm trying to ignore it but the pain just wont go away. I slowly pick myself up.

"Shit, shit, shit" I scream, I look up at the sky again and see the sun slowly coming up.

I look around, to try and find Shelta with no success I run towards the dirt and the rocks. Trying so desperately to find Shelta under the rocks, I look at the desert as it dawns on me, this is were the royal four was found. Out in the desert in a cave, I shake my head, what does this have to do with my survival.

Im outside the cave, were they have been born, I know there is no way for any human to be able to get into the cave with out an alien. I sigh heavily, knowing this is were it all ends, this is where I will dust into I million, billion peices.

I bet I'm going to hell, I think to myself, I slowly put my hand on the rock in front of me as I lean my weight onto my hand.

I hear a rumble noise as I see the sun slowly coming up. The rock opens slowly and without a second thought, I run inside, taking deep long breath as I turn around only to see the door close once again. I take a few steps backwards, still trying to breathe, I look around and I see four broken pods.

I shiver, its so cold in here, I think to myself, I yawn and then I place myself on the floor and lie down. I slowly close my eyes, scared of what my dreams may turn out to be. But eventually I go into a deep sleep.


	9. Cold World

**(Dream)**

"PLEASE, don't touch me!" I scream as I see him coming closer to me, I look around but I'm trapped I'm on the floor crawling to get away from the man hidden in the shadows.

I quickly shut my eyes tightly not wanting to see what's going to happen next, I then put my arms around myself as I can feel his cold body on mine.

**(End of dream)**

My eyes quickly flicker open, I feel sweat dripping off my forehead, I let out a sob as I make myself smaller by putting my hands around my body and my legs crouched in within my chest.

I angrily wipe away my tears and lift my shirt up just a little bit to see my stomach. I hold my stomach carefully. I whisper incoherent things to it, while I rock myself back and forth on the cold floor.

I get up slowly, taking in my surroundings, wishing I wasn't here but knowing I have to stay here until the light dissipates, until the darkness shall arrive. I quickly turn around, my eyes widen as I realize I'm going to be haunted by the woman I despise. I see her leaning on her pod were she was born out of.

She looks up at me and slowly walks towards me as I take a few steps back.

"Your...your dead" I exclaim

"So are you" she replies coldly

"But..." I'm speechless, I continue to walk backwards until my back is on the far end of the wall.

She looks at me evilly.

"You killed me," she says bitterly.

"Wha-?" I say shakily. "No...no I didn't" I cry, I shake my head in dismay.

She snaps her head towards me, if I could run I would, if I could hide I would but I know she will always find me.

"Why don't you haunt him...?" I ask not even knowing his name.

She smiles at me, or maybe it was a smirk, I can't tell.

"Your going to pay for what you did Parker" she says coldly.

I'm suddenly not scared of her petty attempt for a threat, I look up at her and smile.

"You got what was coming to you," I say simply

She look at me, surprised that im not terrified anymore, I'm not scared anymore because I simply don't care.

After all, why should I be? When there is no one I love which cares for me anymore, and nothing to live for...I shrug.

"Oh, I see why you killed me" she gives me a sly smile

"Its because me and Max made love with each other? Isn't it Parker? You just couldn't handle the fact that he wanted me, not you!" she asks me evilly.

I look at her with despair in my eyes, knowing that was the reason, I was going to kill her for. I shiver once again, as I feel coldness running up the back of my spine. Yet I deny it.

I shake my head, "No...no...no!" I cry in vain.

She gives me a knowing look, the look which says that she knows that she is right. I shake my head.

"NO YOUR WRONG!" I scream, with tears running down my cheeks.

She smiles, "your going to kill Max too aren't you?" she questions

I shake my head

"I would never do that, NEVER!"

She looks down at my stomach and smiles.

"That's not what I saw, you shouldn't lie to the dead," she says evilly.

"Your full of shit!" I scream at the stupid blonde, in front of me.

She looks at me as if I have lost it, as if I'm going insane, I almost laugh but stop myself. I see her walking towards me, she's trying to frighten me as I see her walking slowly.

"Stay away from me" I say in a stern voice, hoping to whatever God there is that she doesn't come closer.

She looks up at me once again and gives a big grin, I look at her and I vomit, I vomit up some of her blood, mixed within my own. I wipe my mouth quickly, to get rid of the evidence but its to late.

"Aw, Parker cant even keep my blood down," she says patronisingly

"Guess you just weren't supposed to kill me!" she says dryly

"For the last time, I will say it slowly so even a blonde like you can understand it! I didn't kill you, you dumb bitch!" I scream as I say this I didn't realize I had my hand up as I see green enegy come from my small hand and flying through the small blonde.

It went right through her, it didn't even touch her, I look at her and I swear I had my mouth open. I don't know what I should be more shocked about, the fact that my green energy went right through her or the fact I actually have alien powers.

She gives me a cunning smile as I see her slowly disappear; the only thing, which was left, was thin air. I shiver, here I thought dying was scary, being dead is even worst, I think to myself.

I'm once again left alone, in this cold heartless place, not knowing what to do. I sit in the corner of the pod chamber and I try to make myself smaller by bringing my legs onto my chest. I cant help but let my mind linger on what happened with Max, the bastard slapped me, I remind myself. Why feel pity and sympathy over some one who obviously doesn't care about you anymore, I keep telling myself.

"He wouldn't even believe you when you said an alien killed Alex, you never even got to prove your suspicions. No one heard you out! As far as you care they would be better off dead."

I hear myself saying such horrible and cold things and I don't know why I'm saying them. I look up, only to see me standing in front of me. I don't understand, I say to myself.

"Look at yourself in the mirror, oh sorry I forgot, remember you cant!" I say to myself.

"When you died did they even care, did they even cry over you, I think not!" The image of me says to me harshly.

The image of me sits next to me, I don't even bother to move as I here the truth coming from her mouth...my mouth.

"Remember when we were running away, did anyone notice? Did any one even try to stop us, or better yet did any one save you, save you from that man, who hurt you, sexually assaulted you, rapped you, did any one save you? Did they save you from yourself? Do you know why they didn't? Its because they just don't care, whether your dead or alive! Obviously because you are dead!"

It's all true, every single word which came out of her, my mouth was true, none of them cared! None! I scream in my head.

"So what are you going to do about it" I ask myself

"Kill them all" I say with a huge evil smile places on my lips


	10. Handling The Truth

I'm waiting until the darkness avails, I'm waiting for this voice inside my head to stop... but it doesn't, I know that it will haunt me for all eternity. I look back at the image of me, I look at her fragile, pale skin and I see the darkness in her eyes.

I can see the hurt and the pain that she endures, that I endured, that I've gone through and I cant help but have pity for myself. I have to regain control; I reframe from slapping myself, for having sympathy for myself. Pathetic, I repeat in my head, Pathetic! I scream.

I slowly rap my arms around my small body as I continue to wait.

"Your turning soft, aren't you?" I ask myself as I see her circling around me.

I shake my head "They will get what they dissever" I say coldly to myself.

She smiles at me, I never thought I could be so cold but I am and they all disserve it, I remind myself.

"Its time" she says to me as I lift my head up, only to see the door slowly open. From where I sit, all I can see is darkness. I pick myself up as I slowly walk outside in the cold air. I shiver as I once again feel the emptiness within me, I shiver because of the loneliness I feel.

I then turn around, I see her smiling at me, I see her eyes burn into my own.

"How are we going to get...there" I ask shakily.

"We walk," she says simply, as she sees me frown.

I turn to see the dusty road ahead of me. My legs one after the other, walk into the shadows I was born from.

I walk for what seems like days but its merely only hours, I walk to the place I once called home and I walk towards the man whom I thought I belonged with. I can already feel his presence as I'm getting closer.

"Why... why am I doing this?" I ask unevenly, I give myself a cold stare as I see her about to reply.

"Don't back down now, now that you have gotten so far" she replies coldly

I stop and take a good look at myself for this might be the last time I actually see me.

"They...they didn't mean to be who they are," not even believing my own words.

"They are what they are, you can't change them and how can you even forgive them for what they have all done! Every single one of your so-called friends have betrayed you in every single way witch counts!" I scream at myself.

I nod slowly, knowing, what she says is true, knowing that she is right and there would be no point in to having an argument over it, yet I do.

"Why...why cant we just leave, get out of Roswell and never come back" I ask desperately.

She looks at me sympathetically.

"You always run, you always hide why cant you ever stand your ground and fight? Why cant you be strong for once? Instead of being so god damn naïve!" she lectures me.

I hold my head in pain and crouch down.

"WHY are you giving me more questions to think about?" I scream at her.

She looks at me coldly.

"Get up, stop being so pathetic! How are you supposed to take your revenge when your so weak!?" she yells at me.

I slowly get up, as I listen to my own words, I once again feel my stomach moving.

She looks at me.

"What's wrong?" she ask demandingly

I look at her with a pained expression on my face, thinking of what to say. I slowly stand up straight and shrug my shoulders.

"Nothing" I say as I smile, I once again feel a flash of pain as I bend over, I vomit up blood, I quickly get up and wipe away the blood, not wanting to prove to her how weak I really am.

I see her smirking at me, I ignore her and continue to walk as I see her walking a little bit faster to catch up to me.

I stand in front of his window, I look up, trying to make up my mind whether I should go up or not. I give a loud sigh as I slowly look at myself, she is looking at me, more like glaring at me, to will me to go up there.

"Stop being weak!" she screams at me

"I don't know how," I whisper with sadness in my voice.

The facts are, I cant help but feel so naive and pitiful, I cant just wipe my emotions away.

"I cant just turn off my emotions" I whisper

She looks at me with remorse, "why, he did" she says ruthlessly.

I nod, slowly, knowing what I have to do, I have to win my freedom. I have to get my revenge and yet I still feel unsure as I slowly climb up to his window.

I look through the window, only to see him siting on his bed, looking at his wall, totally absorbed into it. I unsympathetically open his window and jump in, next to me is the image of me, standing next to me with a smirk on her face. I see him slowly turn his head to meet my eyes.

"We found her body..." he whispers hoarsely, I see his eyes, so filled with pain and guilt.

"Don't let him deceive you," she tells me.

"Why" I whisper

Max looks at me, with wide eyes, he slowly gets of his blue bed, as I see him coming closer to me.

"Your going to give in to him, aren't you, after everything he did to you, he hurt you maybe not physically but mentally. All the things he said to you, NO ONE CAN HURT YOU AS MUCH AS HE HAS! And yet you are going to let him!" the little voice screams at me.

I shake my head.

"Leave me alone!" I scream, barely in a whisper.

"NO! Your going to hear me out! You want people to listen to you! Then listen to yourself!" I scream at myself.

"LEAVE YOU ALONE?" he questions me, his eyes are now stoned cold.

"I..." I don't know what to do, nor say. I can still hear myself mocking me.

"See look at how much he really cares for you, look at how much he needs you Liz! Why don't you look at his eyes! Or are you scared you might see the truth?" she says mockingly.

"No, no, no" I scream as I drag myself in the corner, huddling myself to look smaller then I actually am.

I shield myself from the truth, I block out my view of everything and everyone. As I hear people screaming at me, I cover my ears not wanting to hear it but I still can.

"SHE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!" I hear Max's harsh words digging into me like daggers.

"HA! All he cares about is that slut! Does he care about you, your dead! And he doesn't even care! He still takes her side, while your in the corner sulking being pathetic and weak!" she screams at me.

"Leave me alone" I whisper not wanting to hear the truth, which is coming out of my own mouth.

I feel someoneyank me by my hair and drag me roughly against the wall, I open my eyes to see who is hurting me, you would think I would be use to the pain by now. The eyes, which stare back at me, are stone cold. There eyes which I thought would never hurt me, there eyes that I thought was soft and gently. He holds my wrist as im pined on the wall, I don't even struggle.

"Look at what his doing, LIZ! And your just going to let the bastard do this to you? Hurt you? Your such a push over!" I hear her laugh

I ignore her, as I can hear Max trying to say something.

"She...she was carrying my CHILD! She was pregnant with MY CHILD!" he screams.


	11. Pathetic

**A/N I wanted to thank every one who reviewed and everyone who can tell it how it is, I love hearing criticism I always want to know what I can fix up in my story's so thank you, also if there is any questions, comments, please ask I would love to here what you all have to say "nods" and if your reading this chapter now, well I hope you like it, please tell me what you think.**

* * *

I see unleashed tears still in his eyes, as I look up at him, he won't even hear me out, I think to myself.

"He wont even hear you out, nor give you the time or day!" she says to me coldly.

I can feel his grip getting tighter around my wrist, I cry out in pain, he doesn't even let go he stares at me, he stares at me completely emotionless.

"Let go of me!" I whisper in pain, he doesn't though his grip just gets tighter.

"Why did you...why did you kill her!?" he asks, shaking me against the wall, hard enough for me to feel like he would kill me, if I wasn't already dead. But the physically pain is nothing compared to what im feeling inside.

"Look at you Liz, your pathetic, you get hurt because you let them hurt you and then you wonder why? You could easy stop Max from hurting you but what do you do? You stand there and shiver in remorse. When what did you do wrong?" she feels my head up with questions, why wont they all just leave me alone, I think to myself.

"Stop it..." I whisper... "STOP HURTING ME!" I scream in pain.

I see tears in his eyes as he throws me hard on the other side of the wall, I feel moistness under my noise as I'm now on my knees, struggling to get up. I touch under my nose and I feel blood. My nose is bleeding, I think to myself as I see Max on the other side of the room, just staring at me in hatred.

"He slaps you, he hurts you, he messes with your mind and what do you do, you let him!" I say to myself, as I see the image of me smiling.

"So weak and pathetic, you have done everything for him!" she says to me as she circles around me.

"Go on, tell him that you weren't the one who killed that bitch, I bet he wont believe you" she says, she is tormenting me, trying to get me to break. I slowly get off my knees, as I see Max's eyes glaring into mine. I can already tell that he doesn't feel any remorse nor sorrow.

"Pathetic" I scream

"Look how easy it is for you to lose my trust" I say as I spit out some blood on his floor.

He glares at me with hatred.

"Or maybe I never had it to begin with" I say as I look at him and smile.

"You don't know what the hell your talking about!" he screams at me.

"shhh, someone might here you" I say mockingly, as I wipe away the blood were it lingered on my face.

I see him clench his fist, restraining himself, trying not to hit me. I smile at him, a cunning grin on my face. I let out a laugh. "You are so pitiful Max, I always thought I was pathetic, like I was always in the wr-"

"You are!" he says, clenching his teeth together.

I walk around his room slowly, seeing the other me give a smirk and whisper,"finally"

I continue.

"There you go again...Max, talking about shit you don't understand!" I scream as I see him standing there clenching his fist and unclenching it.

"Tess is dead and so am I! She had a child..." I hold back a sob as I continue, "but how dare you try to hurt mine!" I scream louder. He looks at me, disbelieving my words.

"Your dead..." he says angrily.

"YES! Im dead! I'm as dead as they come! The only different between me and your bitch is I'm walking and talking while she is in a coffin living it up!" I say, now clenching my fist.

"You...YOU CANT BE PREGENT! Your child cant be alive" he screams.

I smile, a smile, which doesn't reach my eyes a smile, which is rather sarcastic. "My child, is dead" I say softly. Yet in reality i honestly dont know what my child is.

"What do you mean?" he asks angrily

"YOUR SO THICK! What I mean is, my child is dead just like me!" I give him another smile.

"My child needs to feed, its time for its meal" I say grinning at him.

"And I'm not going to feel any remorse nor sorrow because your getting what's coming to you" I say smiling. Yet I feel every single bit of pain that his feeling, I hold back a sob.

He looks at me yet continues to stand there, I see tears running down the side of his face.

"Don't back down now, Liz! Stay strong, remember how deceiving he can be!" she screams at me.

"I can't do this," I whisper to myself

"Pathetic, little Parker, still running off her emotions, they are what make you weak" she tells me, as she comes closer to me, trying to make eye contact.

I still stand there, looking at the man, I thought I loved, do love...

"He doesn't love you, how can he? When he fucked that bitch go on ask him if he enjoyed it!" she whispers.

"Did...did you...like it" I choke out, trying to hold my emotions together, trying not to let him see how weak I am.

He stares at me, I don't know what his thinking, I don't know what his feeling, I cant understand him anymore.

"Does he answers you, no he looks at you as if your nothing as if you mean nothing to him, pitiful, you are pathetic, Liz!"

I quickly wipe away my tear, which threatened to fall, I feel so insecure in this cold world. I scream out in a pain, as I hold my stomach, I slowly look up.

"My child is hungry," I whisper, I see him just standing there, not even saying a word. I slowly walk up to him and grab his neck as I hear him scream out in pain. I think about breaking his neck, but instead I lift him off the floor.

"Perfect parker isn't so perfect after all," I whisper to him as I hear him gasping for breath but knowing he cant he says three little words which I wish he hadn't.

"I love you" he says softly, I stare at him in dismay.


	12. Revenge

I cringe, as I slowly release my hand from the tight grip, which was around his neck. I see him fall on the floor, touching his neck, gasping for breath as I hear myself mocking me.

"He says three little words and what do you do, you turn soft and let him go!" she screams at me.

He is still on the floor, where he kneels, tears spilling rapidly down his cheeks.

I hold my head and turn away from him, I don't want to see him in pain.

"Why...why do I feel?!" I scream

"Because your pathetic, your easy and your as much as a slut as Tess!" I scream at myself.

"Why wont you go away, why wont you leave me alone" I ask myself, I see her staring coldly at me.

"Because you need me, with out me you would be lost, you would be more confused then you are now! I am what keeps you above the water and this is how you repay me!" she yells at me, yet I don't feel anything, I feel completely numb.

I slowly turn towards Max, "she wont leave me alone" I whisper to him.

As I see myself smirking at me.

He is struggling to find words, I see him get up from the floor.

"wh...who wont leave you alone?" he ask confused, while he still holds histhroat in pain.

"Me" I whisper

He looks at me with a confused yet hurt look on his face.

"He doesn't believe you, you know, he thinks your going insane, then again maybe you are?"

"Stop it! Stop speaking to me like I'm a child!" I scream at myself, "why cant you see her?" I question Max, "why can't you hear what she's saying" I scream louder.

He stares at me, sympathetically, its ironic how people's emotions can change in an instant.

"You don't listen, despite of your ears, you don't feel despite of your heart, you cant see despite of your eyes!" I whisper as I still hear myself mocking me.

"Oh now aren't you poetic, I'm sure his going to throw you in the loony bin!" she says to me harshly. I shiver, why wont any one believe me, I questioned in my mind, why do they all patronise me.

I see Max slowly walk towards me, cautiously, "why doesn't anyone listen to me? Why do they turn there backs on me?" I scream desperately, wanting, needing someone to hear me out.

"No one saved me! No one came looking for me, you ALL left me to die!" I sob.

"Why didn't you save me? Why didn't any one care, why doesn't any one care? I feel so alone, so empty inside..." I say, with tears in my eyes, I wrap my arms around myself, trying so desperately to feel warmth.

I feel his embrace lingering on my cold skin, as he hugs me, I feel so warm, this is were I belong, this is what I need. I think to myself as I return the hug, my head lays on his neck, I quietly sob.

"I didn't kill her... I tried, she made me feel sympathetic towards her...I...didn't know she...I would of stopped him...if I knew..." I say sobbing on his shoulder. I feel my stomach, the pain is unbearable, why wont it be quiet for a few moments, I ask it not expecting for an answer.

"Aw isn't that cute, I hope you know he doesn't love you, your just to pitiful and to naive to see that, your so far in denial that you cant get out!" she says to me.

I feel my stomach one again

...feed....feed... its chanting, over and over again in my mind.

I cant! I tell it, it constantly chants, feed....feed... its telling me over and over in my head, I feel like im going to vomit. My mind is blurry, the whole room is spinning, I can't get out. I look over at Max...I have to do it, I think to myself.

"Im sorry..." I whisper to Max, his eyes widen, as my teeth reaches his skin, I slowly drain every single drop of blood, which is running through his veins. He taste so nice... I think to myself, as his lifeless body drops on the floor in front of my feet.

I look at it and I feel resentment for what I have just done, I hate myself, I despise myself, for what I've just done. I stand there looking down at his body as tears drip on his skin, my tears. The only person in the whole world which made me feel like I belonged and at the very same time he was the only one who could hurt me in such a way, that I felt like there was no point in living.

She smiles at me, an evil, cunning smile, "took your goddamn time!" she says to me angrily.

"How can you not have any emotion?" I whisper as I sob in my hands, I kneel down next to him, as I lift his head onto my lap and slowly rock him.

"I hope you know you have gone insane, this is exactly what we came here to do, LIZ! Get a grip, we have to get everything done before sunrise!" she says eagerly.

I shake my head as I'm still rocking us, back and forth, crying softly, I continue to say sorry but now he wont listen, now he cant.

"LIZ! You should be happy! Because now he will be with you for eternity" she says to me forcing a smile. I look up at her, "really?" I ask, hopefulness in my eyes.

"Really, now lets go get the others, so were one big happy family!" she says as she continues to smile.

I slowly and gently put him on the ground, as I get up, "I will be back," I whisper at Max, doubting that he heard me. I open his door to go find Isabel, but there is something stopping me, its like I cant even get out.

There is an invisible force field, I turn to myself "why cant I get out?" I ask shakily. I hear her sigh.

"Because your supposed to be invited in, I think the only reason you were able to go in Max's window was because he invited you in ages ago." She says to me as if its logical.

I roll my eyes, "nerd" I whisper. She looks at me as if im being childish, I straighten myself up and then turn around to the window.

I look at his body... im lying to myself, how can I do that? I let out a cry as she stares at me again.

"You're lying to me, im lying to myself!" I scream. She looks at me, like im nothing. "I cant believe how much I hate myself that...much...I...I just killed the only person I care about...the only reason to remain on this earth!" I scream at myself.

"Shut up already! Screw Max! All he ever did was hurt you! He is not the only reason why your still living!" she says pointing to my stomach.

"That is the only reason, I know it, you know it. Your just to blind and ignorant to see that!" she says to me coldly, I nod my head knowing that she is right, that all he ever did was hurt me.

"The bastard didn't even save you! None of them did!" She reminds me.

"Bastards!" I repeat to myself, "you say you want your revenge, but your too weak!" she tells me.

"NO! I want my revenge!" I tell her eagerly, she smiles at me.

"Well lead the way," I slowly walk towards the window and open it. I climb out and jump, I land successfully on the footpath, were there are a few houses. I block the thought out of my head, while im trying to remember how to get to Maria's.


	13. Soulless

**A/n I wanted to say thank you once again for all my positive and great feedback, you guys are the reason why im still writing this fanficition, it means a lot to me that you review my story anyways I hope you like this chapter.**

I look around, all I see is desert, dirt, trees and small houses, I shake my head trying to get rid of the unwanted thoughts which still linger in my mind. I look beside me, I see me, with a determined expression across my face.

Inside of me, it feels like a never ending battle with myself, my emotion s. everytime I think something is right, that I'm doing the right thing, in the end its wrong...so wrong, beyond wrong. I don't understand anyone in this world, I barely even know or understand myself.

I shake my head as I'm walking towards my so-called friend's house.

"I wonder if she cared about your death? If she bothered to even go to your funeral but then again, we both know that no one in this cruel world, loves you, not the real you!" she says to me coldly, reminding me of the things I already know, how can I not when I remind myself constantly every single minute of my life.

I look up at the sky as I see the bright moon staring down at me I can see all the beautiful stars just shimmering. For a slight second I felt at peace with myself...but as fast as it came it was then gone.

"Why the hell are you just standing there?" she asks me angrily as I see her resisting the temptation to hit me. I look at myself with a flash of despair in my eyes, I quickly close my mouth and keep walking.

I finally see her house, it's within eyes distance.

"Well come on, RUN!" the image of me screams, I nod my head and start running, I'm there faster then I relies. I walk swiftly to the side of her house were her room is, I look around making sure that no one is following me.

I walk near her window, as I slowly get ready to knock, I hear a loud scream coming from inside her room. I look inside if I said I was shocked it would be an understatement. I quickly break her lock and jump into her room, not knowing what im going to do. I quickly grab him by his collar and shove him against the wall, satisfied with myself, I run towards Maria.

Instead I find her unconscious, lying on the ground with tears in her eyes, I shake my head trying to get myself together as I bend down to check her pulse. I smile as I realize her heart beat is strong, I slowly get up to face my fears. I once again hear myself mocking me. Instead of listening I try to block it out as I concentrate on the man in front of me.

"Your...dead" I whisper in disbelief as I take several steps back, trying to protect Maria, now more then anything because how vulnerable she is.

"So are you," he says coldly

"You got what was coming to you" I whisper hoarsely, I see him give me a sly smile as he comes running towards me. I kick him in the chest before he even realies it, I smile at myself at how strong I really am and not even realizing it. I see him jump back up and try to kick my legs so I would fall on the ground but instead I'm to quick for him as I jump and high kick him in the stomach. I see him bend over in pain as I take a cheap shot and punch him in the face.

"What am I doing?" I whisper to myself, I quickly look over at the other me, smiling at me in satisfactory. I shake my head as I lean against the wall as I see Max gasping for breath, guilt washes over me as I stumble to keep my balance. I see Max on his knees struggling to wipe away his stray tears.

"I'm...-" he cuts me off like he always does, making me feel that little bit more pathetic and insignificant.

"You mean nothing to me, you never did," he then gives me a sly smile as I see him once again running towards me, I struggle to keep the tears in place. I lose my concentration as I feel his fist against my stomach as I bend down in pain. Hoping to whatever god there is that my child is ok.

I cough up blood, I feel some of it on my hands as I feel it against my finger tips, I look up at the man I thought I loved as I feel tears running down my cheeks. I angrily wipe them away as I quickly get of the hard floor into a fighting position. I feel like my mind is cloudy, like there is something blocking my thoughts, I feel so useless.

I look around only to see Max behind me, he kicks me in my throat, I'm now gasping for breath. I hold my throat as I see Max smiling at me and for once the other me shuts up. I ignore the pain as I get up once again from the floor, I kick low, successfully he falls hard on the floor, now it is I who gives him a huge smile, a fake one of corse but its all I can manage.

"Bastard" I yell as I kick him hard in the back, I hear him sob as I slowly take a few steps backwards. Not wanting to see his tears. Knowing that if I see his tears that I will turn soft, I hate feeling like that, like im weak and vulnerable.

I see him trying to pick himself off the floor but without luck he falls straights back down on his stomach. He rolls over on his back, facing me, I look at his eyes, they seem so cold. A shiver runs down my back as I feel like I've lost everything which ever mattered to me. I hear him taking long breaths trying to grab as much air as possible.

"How is this possible?" I snap at myself.

"You are so stupid, you should already know that once you drain all there blood out of there body, they become you, you just get more of there energy" she explains to me even though im barely listening.

"He doesn't have a soul" she whispers to me, I almost didn't hear it, "He doesn't have a WHAT?" I scream at myself.

"He doesn't have a soul" she says softly but bitterly, I can feel the tears down my face as I once again look at the man lying helplessly on the ground. He disserved it, I think to myself, barely believing myself.

My thoughts are broken as I hear a soft whimper from beside my feet, I slowly look down only to see Maria get up cautiously.


	14. Weak

**Please review, I would love to hear what you all think of this story and this chapter**

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Her eyes are wide as I see a frightened look, which crossed her face for a brief second as I see her crawling to the corner of the room. Thinking that I couldn't see her that she could just hide. It saddens me how shallow I have become, I shake my head not wanting to linger on the thoughts, which always seem to be there. Like they wont leave me alone.

I look back at Max, I still see him gasping for breath, I have to say I pity the poor bastard. After all, he got his ass kicked! I smile to myself, as realization hits me, that for once I didn't feel sympathy towards the man who has taken away my once pleasant dreams, instead left them to be haunted by an evil man. Who, I despise more then myself.

I turn around, not wanting to see the pathetic fool as I try to keep my mind off him. I look around Maria's creamy coloured room; it's exactly how I remembered it. She still has hippy things; I look on my right to see her table with little butterfly stickers, stuck on her table. I give a small smile, I see her cinder oil placed on the far end of her table. Just like old times, I think to myself, always using that crap, its funny, now that I'm looking back on it.

"WHAT the hell are you doing!?" The image of me demands, I quickly look up at me, only to see her with a cold stare on her face. I don't say anything, she would just dismiss my thoughts and opinion like every one always does.

"You said you weren't going to be weak! You said you would get your revenge and here I see you looking at all her hippy things!" she screams at me, if I had the energy I would of been scared, maybe even frightened but instead I shrug my shoulders. I look back at Maria's frightened figure; I almost have sympathy for her...until I remembered how she so easily dismissed my thoughts about Alex.

I see Max getting up, trying not to make any sudden movements as I shake my head and turn to the image of me. "So I don't have a soul either?" I ask her with a questioning look.

She looks at me, I can already tell that she wont willingly give me an answer, but the truth still lies there, untouched, maybe I don't want the answer, I think to myself. I repeat myself, "I don't have a soul either do I?" I ask, more then a little then annoyed. She gives me a cold stare.

"No you don't," she says with a fake smile, although I can already tell she is lying. "LIAR! Why do I have a soul? Is that what's keeping me from my revenge?" I questioned, needing to know an answer. "Yes, its what makes you weak!" she tells me simply. I nod, knowing that its the only answer she will give me.

I turn around to see Max glaring at me, hatred in his eyes, I smile as I punch him as hard as I can in the face. He falls back on the floor, this time I know he will be out for a while. I then turn towards Maria were she is huddled in the corner of her room, next to her pink bed.

I smile as I walk towards her and kneel down. She looks up at me with her big green eyes, it was evidence that she was crying, she still had untouched tearstains on her cheeks.

"Who are you," she whispers harshly, I look at her, anger rising, she cant even recognise her best friend I thought bitterly. Instead I smile at her, a fake smile as I reply.

"Your worst nightmare" I whisper, even more harshly then she asked, she stares at me, for a moment I thought I saw a flash of despair in her eyes. I shake the feeling off, not wanting it to haunt me like all my other emotions do.

I look at her, a cold stare as I see for once she doesn't blabber on, my thoughts are broken when I hear myself trying to say something. But I cant quite hear it, I turn around.

She sighs, "we have to go, sunrise is in twenty minutes" she tells me with an angry look across her face. I nod; I look over towards Max's unconscious body and back at myself.

"Do we bring him with us?"

"No we will leave him, just like he did to you" she gives me a smile, I once again nod, I'm following order from myself. I look back at the girl who I once called my friend, I look at her as I see tears running down her cheeks.

"Liz?" she whispers to me, as if I'm really going to have sympathy towards her.

I shake my head, "The Liz you knew died a long time ago!" I empathise the 'long' bit. I soon see fresh tears running down her cheeks, I shake my head once more. I stand up quickly and turn my back on her, just like she done to me all thous times I needed her.

"Don't dwell on the past, it wont get you anywhere, your memories are what make you weak..." I say trying to retrain my tears from falling onto my cheeks. I slowly walk towards her now broken window, as I have my last and final words to her.

"You might want to keep that close to you" I say as I point towards the cross, which was dangling on the side of her table. I then jump out of her window and walk swiftly towards the pod chamber. I see the image of me close by as she walks at a faster pace then me.

I walk, trying to leave my thoughts behind me but eventually they come bombarding inside my head. I hold my head in pain as im trying so desperately to block everything out, I look up to see the image of me.

I already no what she is thinking, from the way she looks at me, she is thinking that im weak and pitiful. She soon takes her eyes off mine as I see her eyes drift off to something in front of us. Curious to see what she is looking at, I let go of my head and look up, only to see her once again.

I sigh in defeat knowing that only one of us is going to make it out alive and it may or may not be me. I see her running towards me, she jumps and high kicks me in my chest. I lose my balance as I tumble on the floor, I don't have time to think of the pain as I quickly get back up and punch her in the throat. I use her weakness to my advantage as I kick low to her feet, I see her fall on the ground on her back. I take whatever chance I get to kick her in the stomach, to show her how it feels.

But I don't get to, as she grabs my foot and twists it, I once again tumble on the floor in pain. 'Twice! Why does everyone twisted my goddamn foot!' I think to myself angrily. I struggle to get up as I see Buffy getting up, she bend down and punches me in the nose. I cry out in pain but like always no one bothers to listen, she picks me up by the throat, I'm dangling by her hand.

I no there is no point of trying to fight anymore, its all over.

"Fight back! You cant just let this bitch win!" the image of me tells me, I have tears in my eyes as I try kicking her. But it only leaves me more breathless. I suddenly find myself on the floor gasping for breath. I instantly think about Max. I look up to find...my mouth is hanging open; Maria is standing in front of me, trying to protect me.

I then look over to were Buffy lays, struggling to get up from the floor. I have mixed and confused feelings inside, silent tears are running down my cheeks.

"Don't you dare touch my Friend!" she screams at the girl she just kicked, I look at her, although she has her back facing me, I can still feel how much she cares. I shake my head in despair, just stop thinking all together Liz! I scream at my self.

"You got 10 minutes until the sun comes up!" I scream at myself, I look over towards were Maria is standing, I grab her arm as I'm struggling to keep my balance. She helps me quickly.

"Lets go," I whisper as I drag her with me.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I see Buffy running up towards me as I high kick her in the stomach. "Weak" I spit out to her as I see her holding her stomach in pain. I look around to see my surroundings, I notice how boring everything looks, desert, dirt and a few trees but that's about it.

"I thought the slayer was supposed to be stronger then I vampire?" I say mockingly, she looks up at me in her crouch position, in hatred.

"It gets better," she says sarcastically

Yet I still don't know why she resents me this much, I shake my head, still holding Maria's arm as we start to run to find shelter in the pod chamber. Knowing that no human can get in, it is a safe house, for me anyway.

I quickly put my palm on the silver handprint, which appears on the rock, as I hear a rumbling noise, without hesitation I run in, dragging Maria in with me. I then look back to see the door close, looking like it's a normal rock. I look around to see the rocks which surround me, I then look up and its like a silvery huge rock above me, keeping the sun out. It all has funny writing written on almost every single space available.

"Why did you bring her!" she ask me angrily, I jump from the sound of her voice.

I glare at her, not expecting her to feel scared.

"Don't question me! Don't you dare! I've had enough, I'm sick and fucken tired of answering to questions with NO ANSWERS so leave me ALONE!" I yell at myself, not knowing were it all came from.

Maria looks at me, her eyes are wide as she stares at me.

I then turn to her, "And don't you dare.... Don't come near me" I scream, I take a few steps away from her as I sit in the corner of the Pod chamber. I fold my arms against my chest as I try to close my eyes. Trying to get away from reality, trying to block it all out of my mind, at least for a few moments.


	15. Emotionless

Sleep never comes though, instead I listen to all the harsh things that I'm saying to myself, I can never block her voice out of my head. No matter how hard I've tried she never seems to go away.

"Isn't it ironic how she's here now? But where was she when you needed her the most? When that man from the shadows did what he did, he turned you into 'this' where was she? Where were any of them? None of them saved you, helped you, cared or care for you and yet you still believe that they can all change. They are what they are and as for you, all you can be is you. At least I don't lie to you, I tell it how it is and I'm always going to be here for you, I know you need me. You need some closure in this cruel, heartless world, just remember that!"

I shake my head, still trying to block her voice out, I look up to see her smirking at me, my eyes drift over towards Maria. I see her sitting at the opposite end of the room then me. She sees me staring at her, "what's wrong with Max? His...different" she asks shakily.

"His dead" I say, barley in a whisper, although I know she heard me, I see her eyes widen in shock. She is struggling to find words or the right ones.

"Who... who..." she chokes, not believing what I'm saying is true, I look at her, staring at her with an emotionless expression placed on my face.

"Me" I say with no emotions, I see new tears brimming in her eyes as she covers her mouth with her hands, trying to hold backher sobs.

I hear one escape, not wanting to hear the sound of her cries I hold my head to block any sound from coming in. but I soon hear myself mocking me once again.

"All she cares about is him, she doesn't care that you died or the fact that you needed her all she did was turn her back on you. Just like every one else, Max, Kyle, Isabel, Maria, and Michael every body did. Did you notice that everybody had someone to cling onto for help but you had nobody! You were left alone and will remain alone, no one will help you, in the end all you have is yourself!" she tells me bitterly.

I nod my head in agreement, knowing what she says is true, everything she say's is always true. I sit here, letting everything sink in, "I'm alone...and will remain alone...always alone" I whisper to myself. "That's right, no one cares, no one ever does or will, I'm all you have! All you'll ever have!" she tells me, she sits next to me, looking at me with an emotionless express on her face, just like mine.

I thought things were supposed to get easier within time...but its just getting harder, it feels like im drowning in a pool of my own tears. I feel so insignificant so unimportant and the feeling just wontsubside, it just wont leave me alone. I don't understand anything anymore; then again if I wanted to be honest, I never really understood anything. Not this world not even my own life I don't even understand death.

Why did I hurt him...why do I even care! He got what he deserved...didn't he? Yes of corse he did! He hurt me more then life its self, he hurts me still... LIZ! Stop it...stop being weak...please, just stop it!

I cry inside, I cant show any emotions its because I'm keeping it all inside. Where I still get the criticism but at least its from me...not from the people who I love...care for...need. I look up at an unstapled Maria, who seems like she is going topounceon me any minute. I honestly don't blame her, I feel like to kill me too but I guess that's not an option because im clearly already dead.

"What are you thinking about? Do you feel guilt, remorse, anger, satisfactory for what you've done?" she asks me demandingly. I look up at her in hatred, I truly do hate her...hate me. I feel every single bit of guilt, remorse, anger and pain inside of me. Its just doesn't go away and for the billionth time I don't understand why!

I angrily get up and punch the wall behind me; I hear a satisfying break as I see that some of the rock is crumbling. I smile an evil, sly smile as I snap my head towards myself. "I don't feel anything" I lie but I can tell that she believed me as I see her smile also a fake smile, which doesn't even reach her eyes.

I turn around to face Maria once again she looks petrified, it was then gone as I see her quickly get up. She is now looking at me with hatred, just like everybody else.

Although I can't fall anymore because I've already hit rock bottom, it would be impossible. I grip my stomach, holding it tightly as if I never want to let it go. I can hear myself scream out in pain as I bend down, trying so desperately to control the pain that I feel inside of me.

It's feeding off me, taking my life source, so I become weak, vulnerable. I can see my hands tremble against my stomach. I glance over at Maria as I see a concerned look across her face.

Pitiful I think to myself, before I knew what was happening I can feel blood coming up my throat as I vomit it up. I look at the blood, which is on the floor, my blood; I bend down to touch it, to feel how it feels against my flesh.

A shiver runs up my spine as I feel the coldness which lingers on my fragile skin, it feels like these feelings which I feel just wont go away. My demons inside of me wont leave me alone; I flick the blood, which is on myfingertips, back on the floor.

I once again look at myself, as I see her give me an 'you're pathetic' look. My eyes drift over towards Maria's delicate form as I see her expression soften.

"Are...are you okay?" she ask me, not knowing whether she is actually concerned or just messing with my mind. I give her a look, which says 'fucken leave me the hell alone!" as I sit back down trying to wait patently for the sun to go down. I pull out my elastic from my hair, letting it hang down.

It's like a curtain, blocks people from seeing the tears, which still lay, untouched in my eyes.

I hear something, as my eyes snap open I look overto wehre the rock door is, I see outside, that it has gotten darker. Yet still not safe enough to go outside. I then see the Man, which is standing in the darkness as I can feel my eyes widen. He has come...the only man who can hurt me, physically and mentally at the same time. I can feel myself crying inside as I see him running extremely fast towards me.


	16. Its To Late, Im Dead

**A/n I wanted to spend some time to say thank you to all my reviewers' exceptionally Hell-babe who has stayed with my story through out it all! So thank you so please keep the feedback coming, it means a lot to me that people are actually reading this story.**

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I jump up, not even realizing what I'm doing, just knowing that I have to get up. Hopelessly trying to show I'm stronger then they all think, that I'm not this weak little girl that people picture inside their minds. I'm so much better then that, I cringe at how cold his eyes are. It's the last thing I remember as I find myself on the floor, I should learn by now not to linger on my thoughts while defending myself. Its my down fall, yet my savoir at the very same time.

I quickly get up, ignoring the throb in my head, as I wipe my emotions clean off my face, I high kick him in the head. Watching him stumble for a brief second I see him quickly regain his balance as he tries to kick my legs. I jump as I kick him, were it has to hurt, or else its just proof that he has nothing 'there' I shake my head. An Irrelevant thought to think about t right now, I tell myself as I see him bend down in pain.

I smirk, an evil smirk, I can hear myself saying something but Maria's high screams block her out of my head. I quickly turn around to see Maria bowling her eyes out.

"What are you doing Liz?" she cries, almost desperate to hear the answer.

I shrug, "its what I am," I say simply.

She shakes her head in dismay, "don't give me that crap! Your hurting Max! You're hurting him!" she screams, I look at her, anger rising inside my veins as I turn my head and ignore her.

I kick him hard in the chest, "you deserve it! YOU BASTARD!" i say as I kick him again, realizing that its not helping my pain inside. That I've already killed him and it didn't give back any of my sanity. I took away the only thing we had in common, our souls.

I turn around, to once again face Maria, 'what do you want from me' I say barley in a whisper.

She looks at me, with a puzzled expression, "nothing" she says simply, like she's mocking me, I nod my head as I turn back to Max, watching him get up while I just stand there.

"I'm... sorry..." I whisper so only he can hear it; he stares at me in hatred as I take a few steps back. I pull my hand up as a green shield protects Maria and myself; Max is now looking at me in astonishment as well as Maria.

"What's wrong with me!" he demands

I look at him, I shiver at how cold he sounded and how heartless he seems, the coldness in his eyes feel so empty. I regain control of my emotions as I take the shield down and throw Max on the other side of the pod chamber. He hits the edge of the rocks as I hear him sob in the distance, his now unconscious body lands on the floor with a loud thud.

I can hear Maria's loud screams, I turn to look at myself she has a satisfied smile on her face. "Now finish him!" she demands, I shake my head "we have more important things to deal with!" I reply dryly.

She gives me a cold hard stare as she speaks, "FINE! Then kill her!" she says as she looks at Maria. "I don't take orders," I whisper, not expecting her to hear me.

"You don't take orders, that's true but you do what I say! Because I am you, I am what helps you through the lonely nights, you need me! After all, no one else was there for you, were they? They all abandoned you! You are all you have!" she screams at me to listen to her.

"You weren't there for me either," I say hoarsely I look up to meet my eyes, which seem colder then Max's. "You weren't even there for me, I wasn't even there for myself!" I scream louder.

"IRONIC! Isn't it! No one was ever there for me! I didn't even have myself, how pathetic is that? I abandoned myself and I didn't even know it!" I scream, at the top of my lungs.

I feel like im...nothing, I mean nothing to myself.

I look down at my stomach, "you are all I have," I whisper, to myself.

"NO! you had me! You have me, stop being so blind! Can't you see that we are one! We can do so much more, then waste your life hiding away. Pretending that people actually care, that they really love you because they DON'T! No one does! Why can't you see that? We can rule the world, have people bend down and envy you for who you are. Your stronger then a vampire you're so much more! You're a slayer,and yetyour so much stronger then a slayer!"

Although, I don't bother to listen, I stare at Maria, as tears drip down my cheeks, for what seems like hours.

She doesn't even care; she is huddled close to Max, crying over him.

"Why did you hurt him!" she cries louder.

I stare at her, as my hair hangs down my face covering up any tearstains, which linger on my cheeks.

She looks at me; I can tell that she hates me that she doesn't want me to be here. "You're supposed to be dead! We were a lot happier until you came walking back! Until you rased from the dead!" She yells.

Im speechless, I'm amazed how much that hurt, "what do you want me to do? Do you think I chose to be this, this...thing, this dead person who hides in the shadows just like that man I hate, I despise so much does? And when I needed you, when I needed all of you, where were you, did you even help me? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW I DIED? How I became this creature who feeds off blood. I never chose to be this but the worst part was, the people I needed the most wasn't even there for me you turned your backs on me. As if my opinions andmy thoughts didn't matter to you, Maria, your supposed to be my best friend...some friend" I say with tears running rapidly down my cheeks.

Her expression softens as I see her get up slowly and walk closer to me, as she tries to hug me. "No..." I whisper, "Get the hell away from me! Im NOT LIZ anymore! She died along time ago!" I turn my back on her for the last time as I walk swiftly away, out of the pod chamber and onto the dirt road.

I look up at the sky I feel the rain coming down onto my cold body, its washing away all the blood and dirt which has been untouched.

I look beside me as I just walk and find myself walking with me, "so what now" she asks angrily. "I'm going to kill the bastard who did this to me!"

"Oh come on you said that before! But what did you do, you turned weak and helpless just because of the other slayer, which happened to turned up!"

"Say what you want, I honestly couldn't care less bu tI'im going to kill him slowly and when he takes his lasted breath, I'm going to tell him about our little child, which is growing inside of me" I say to myself evilly, as I rub my stomach, trying to keep my child warm.

"Why even tell him?" she questions me.

"That's just like saying, why kill him, I want his last thoughts to be about how he wont ever see his precious child grow up and if I don't kill him, then the thought of that will" I say impatiently.

I'm walking in the nice cold rain, its washing away all the memorise which lingered to deep inside my mind. For once my memories are leaving me, even if it is for just a moment, its some sort of closure.

There are no lights and yet I can see perfectly well, although there is a little bit of fog, which is blocking some of my view, it's almost exciting.

"Do you even know were to find him? Or do you plain on just walking these streets all your life until you do?" she demands.

"Shut up! Do you have to question everything I do? I'm the one in control not you! This is my body and I will do what I like! NOW! Why the hell is Buffy in Roswell?" I demand. She looks at me; I can tell she's holding her tongue.

She sighs, "How am I supposed to know? I'm you remember!" she replies bitterly.

"That's bullshit, don't you dare fucken patronise me! I'm sick of people playing with my head, I know your not me! Don't ask how I know, I just do, so stopwith the crap and tell me why Buffy is in Roswell!" I demand just as bitterly.

She looks at me and then smiles, "I have to hand it to you, your not as dumb and naive as I thought you were, I'm impress"

"Are you going to tell me, or are you going to be the little manipulative bitch you really are?" I ask angrily.

"I will tell you the answers, if you kill the slayer," she replies as if it's that simple.

I look at the girl who I once thought was me, "why don't you do it yourself?" I ask impatiently.

"Do you want the answers, I know your desperate for them and don't try to deny it." She gives me a smile.

"Why does your form look like me?" I ask her angrily.

"I don't have to look like you" she smiles for a brief second and then her form changes.

I look at her, tears stinging my eyes, "hows this for you?" she questions with an amused tone. I shake my head, "Alex..." I choke out I can feel myself tremble.

He gives me an evil smile as he fades away into nothing.


	17. The Father Of My Child

I'm soon left with an empty, hollow feeling inside my stomach, as I still feel my cold tears stinging my cheeks as they fall slowly onto the ground with the rain. I shake my head, 'Liz! His gone... it wasn't even him... besides you have bigger problems right now!' I scream at myself, trying to forget the pain inside that he has left when he died.

I can't help but ask, "What happened to you..." I whimper in a whisper, talking to the nothingness that they have all left me in. Shaking my head I slowly continue my walk. I can still feel the rain on my cold skin; it feels refreshing just to know that all the blood and along with the memories are washing away...at least for a few moments.

"You know, you shouldn't walk in the darkness by yourself, here I thought you have learnt" He croaks I hear him give a short laugh behind me; I quickly turn around, resenting whom I am going to see.

"Because of you I now am forever in the darkness" I whisper to him, not yet wanting to meet his eyes.

"What are you doing here, how did you find me!" I demand angrily.

"I thought you were looking for me, I was only making it easier for you" he replies while my eyes dart to his chest I see him holding his ribs. My eyes slowly drift towards his eyes yet under thous cold eyes I can see...sadness. I shake my head, not wanting to have pity for the bastard who took me away from living.

"I'm not afraid of you" I say in a stern voice, yet not believing it myself.

"Then why are you trembling?" he asks mockingly.

I give him an evil smile, "I never did get your name," I say, with a huge grin placed on my face, instead of tears.

"Why do you want it?" he asks over the loud thunder, I look at him as I see him coming closer.

"I wanted to tell..." I shake my head, "don't worry, you will know soon enough," I say over the loud rain, which is drenching me and the man; which haunts my dreams every single day.

He smiles, "well lets get this over with shall we," he asks mockingly, I don't need a second invitation as I kick him in the ribs, trying to take anything as my advantage. He looses his balance as he tumbles on the floor, quickly getting up he kick my thigh. I find myself on the wet muddy floor, as I'm struggling to get up. I soon find myself lying there helplessly as the same man as before is lying on top of my body, holding me down.

I can feel his rough lips on my skin as I'm trying to push him off, resenting the fact that I'm letting him do this to me once again. I'm once again crying helplessly for him to stop as I feel his hands roughly undoing my top or more like ripping it off.

"Get the hell off me" I scream desperately, just like before he doesn't listen as I still feel his hard lips on mine. I once again feel so useless and cheap; all I can do is wait until his done... 'LIZ! don't let him do this! Fight! Your so much stronger!' I yell silently inside my mind.

"Oh! What's wrong Liz, can't handle the real world? Ever since I've known you, inthe 4th grade you have always been weak and pathetic. And I called you my friend, how the hell can I be best friends with you! Huh! Pitiful, " I hear my once best friends voice in the distance.

I shake my head, "NO!" I scream as I pick up all my strength I have left as I grab my fist from his grasp and punch the man, which is on top of me in the chest. He is far too strong for me. Before I realized what I was doing, green energy comes out of my palm, seeing the man from the shadows fly off me. I watching him tumble in the dirt and the mud I quickly get up, I angrily reach for his hair and pull his face up to mine so his eyes meet mine.

"What's your name?" I ask while I'm violently shaking him to tell me his name, seeing him tremble somehow gives me satisfactory. All this built up pain and anger inside was killing me slowly.

"What the fuck is your name!" I scream louder, as new rain pounds hard on the ground. I shake his head even harder, not caring if it rips off in the process.

"Spike," I hear him croak in agony, not finding any sympathy for him I drop his head back in the mud as I kick him in the ribs once again.

"I will be sure to tell our child that!" I tell him bitterly, he picks himself up slowly to turn around onto his back to face me.

"Your..." I can see his finding it hard to comprehend, which makes me smile, an evil sly smile, this monster, which is me is who he has created.

I look at him and all I feel inside is hatred and discussed, I don't have the heart to forgive him, for what he has down to me and yet at the very same time given me. I look down and pity him, he will never be able to see his child grow up, my child will not have a father...and for that I feel sorrow.

Yet my love for this child, which is growing inside of me I simply cant find the emotions to spare my child's father.

"How does it feel? To feel helpless and so god damn unimportant? To have no one and will continue to have no one to help you, save you?" I ask bitterly, looking down at him, seeing the tears for the first time brimming in his eyes.

I force myself to look away, not wanting my last thoughts of this horrible man, monster to be placed with a man who wont ever be able to watch his child grow. It's his fault...

"I'm...sorry" he whispers to me, I shake my head in dismay, why do I feel guilt? Why do I feel remorse or sorrow for the man who has haunted me through my thoughts and dreams?

"Shut up! Don't you dare, I don't want to hear your thoughts or opinions, Spike! They mean nothing to me!" I say coldly. I see him nod his head, understanding.

"Tell...tell our child that his father loves him," he says while he tries to meets my eyes, my eyes are still stone cold.

I shake my head, "Go to hell" I whisper, not quite sure if he heard it.

"Don't you dare try to make me feel guilty for what you have done to me!" I yell.

"Spike" I spit, hating the name, yet knowing that I own my child that much for my selfishness.

He nods his head as he tries to get up to his feet; I kick him hard in the chest, watching him gracefully fall back in the mud. He groans in agony and for some sick twisted reason I feel pleasure.

I reach over and grab his neck tightly so he can't escape, "how does it feel, thinking, knowing that your close to death and there is nothing you can do about it?" I ask bitterly, not expecting an answer.

Hearing him trying to breathe was like music to my ears, "remember when you drank every single drop of blood in my veins? It felt like I couldn't breathe, that was after you did what you did, I felt like I was nothing...I hope your getting what you deserve!"

Although, the pain inside of me will never go away I'm still clinging on to what ever sanity I have left. Even though I'm about to kill the father of my child, what his feeling now is not even close to what I will continue to feel.

I look into his eyes, wanting this last moment of him to mean nothing to me. I cringe as I see tears brimming in his eyes. I shake my head as I finally let go; watching his lifeless body drop on the ground like mine did.

Looking down at his body, the father of my child is dead yet I know that the memories of him will never seep into nothing. I turn my back and walkaway; the cold rain washes all the blood off my hands but this time, not the memories.


	18. Brick Wall

I walk through the rain, slowly, dreading every single step I take. Now I don't have a plan, don't have a destiny all I know is this thing, which is growing inside of me has to feed. Whether I like it or not I will be damned if I let my own child die, I walk through the muddy roads, feeling completely and utterly alone.

I hold my small body tightly as I continue to walk, feeling the rain come down heaver and the cold wind running down my back. Ironic, I got my revenge... and yet I still have this empty feeling inside of me, but...why? I ask silently.

"Some friend you are! You let me die, you didn't save me!" I turn around quickly; my eyes meet his, as I slowly put my hand over my mouth to stop a sob.

"Alex..." I ask, barely in a whisper.

He walks up to me, "your so sad and miserable, such a shame you are so weak and useless. After all if it wasn't for your alien powers then you would have been raped...again," he says to me as he laughs harshly.

"Your...your not, Your not Alex!" I scream through the rain, as I notice that the man whom is standing in front of me isn't even wet.

"Yeah your right! He died along time ago because you didn't save him, you were to blind and absorbed in Max to notice that something was wrong with me! If you had been a friend like you were supposed to be then maybe just maybe you would see I was different!" he says coldly.

"I'm...sorry" knowing full well that sorry doesn't make a difference. That it won't bring back the dead.

He looks at me, I can already tell that he resents me, perhaps maybe even more then I do myself.

"I...I have to go" I say weakly as I turn my back on him, just like every one else did to me...the same way I didn't want anyone to do it to me.

"Turn your back on me, just like you always do to your friends and the people you love" he says with irritation in his voice.

"No" I say shakily in a whisper, "That is what they all have done to me!" I whisper a little louder. He looks at me with a smirk and gives a short laugh, "No Liz, cant you see! Your in the wrong you always have been, your just to blind and idiotic to see that, I pity you" he says coldly as I hear him laugh. I shake my head, not believing that my best...only friend could say such cruel...cold things.

I look at him as I try to meet his eyes but he keeps avoiding my gaze. I shiver in remorse and guilt that washes over me. I hate these feelings; I wish I could just wipe them clean and not feel a thing...my thoughts get broken as I see how icy his eyes really are.

It frightens me to see my once best friend look so evil, beyond evil would be an understatement.

I make myself look away, not wanting to remember my best friend as cold as he is now. I force myself to look at the mud under my feet as the pain inside finally sinks in.

Im drenched and it feels like blood, it feels like I cant get out of this nightmare, I'm stuck and the walls are caving in on me. The worst part about it all is that no one seems to care; they have all turned their backs on me.

I don't know what to think anymore, I'm so lost and confused in this cold, cruel world that I died in.

I look over towards him once again; he stands there with unconfutable silence feeling the icy air around us.

"What do you want from me?" I ask bitterly, trying desperately not to show any emotions...

"There coming...you better be ready" he tells me as he fades away into the nothing that they have all originally left me in.

"Who's comings?" I scream as I'm greeted with silence I angrily turn around and continue my walk, thinking how easier it would be to have transport.

I angrily walk, still not knowing were to go the empty feeling which I continue to suffer in, hating the fact that I now know that it will never go away.

I hold myself tighter as the raindrops twinkle on my cold skin, not finding any Shelter I continue to walk down the empty roads, which looks so foreign to me. I cross a street, which only has one car on the road driving incredibly slow as I walk normally to the other side. I slowly look up only to see the place that I once called home.

'The CrashDown'

I reach for the door to open it as I slowly walk in, seeing people eating and talking among them selves I take a seat on the further side of the door. Not knowing what I'm doing I sit there and wait for the new waiters to serve me.

"Okay what the hell you want" he ask demandingly and rudely, I slowly look up to see who it was to see why my parents hired this extremely rude man. If I said I was shocked it would me an understatement, I see Michael Guerin wearing an apron, holding a notebook and not bothering to look down I also cant forget thous ridicules headbands which bong off his head.

"How did you become the new waiter?" I ask almost laughing, yet couldn't find the emotions to bother. Ironic, as it was I think it was the first time I tried to laugh for a long time.

"I'm doing it for my fre- that is none of your damn business!" he replies angrily obviously not even looking at his customer. I give a heavily sigh, not even sure what I'm doing here.

"So how have you been?" I ask impatiently, I don't even know how I've become so cold and ruthless.

"Shut up and tell me you're Order!" he demands as I see his eyes finally look down on me, I see his eyes widen in shock as he roughly grabs my arm and pulls me out to the back. I know that I could probably snap his neck before he pushed me roughly on the seat demanding me to sit down but I decide to go with the flow for once.

"Who the hell are you!" he demands and questions at the same time, he sees me standing there without even flinching as he scream a little louder, trying hard not to let anyone else hear us.

"Your a shapeshifter aren't you?" he demands angrily, as he pulls me from my seat and pushes me against the wall, leaving a couple of metres distance between us as I see his palm faced towards me

I don't even flinch as I shrug my shoulders, "You obviously are one heartless bitch! How dare you shapeshifted as my friend! My dead friend!" he screams, holding back tears.

I show no emotion but inside I'm screaming for someone to hear me...anyone but instead the ice surrounds my emotions.

"I don't even know why I'm here" I say, confused as I walk slowly towards him, he stiffens from my presences as I just stare at him.

With one quick flick from my wrist he goes flying on the other side of the room as my emotionless form walks slowly towards him.

He struggles to get up, "don't move! You will be dead before your feet touches the ground" I say coldly. I see his eyes dart furiously around the room looking for any weapons. I smile evilly as my palm once again faces towards him...


	19. Back From The Dead

My eyes widen as I see a helpless little boy looking back at me, frightened of what I am about to do. My hand slowly drops to my side as I walk a few steps backwards, 'feed, feed,' something inside of me chants.

"Leave me alone!" I scream, without realizing that I said it out loud, not knowing anymore if anyone cares or listens. I bend down in pain, holding my stomach in despair. I slowly look back up at Michael, seeing him huddled in the corner, beyond devastated.

I get back on my feet as I turn around, deciding to just leave as I hear a little voice in the distance behind me.

"Who are you?" he asks desperately, without turning around I reply coldly, "I don't know" I walk towards the door as I feel his grip on my shoulder. He turns me around as I see his eyes search my body, looking at the scars and cuts, which are still bleeding from my skin.

I look down to were his eyes seem focused on, I see my purple t-shirt is ripped, which shows a bit of my bra I quickly cover it up by my hands as I turn around quickly.

"How..." he stutters, not knowing what words he should use.

"Don't ask! I don't even know why I came...Max...his..." I can't say anymore as I just walk out of the CrashDown. I still cant bare the fact that I killed him...me...he deserved it...didn't he? I question myself.

I walk back out in the cold, were rain cascades on my pale, fragile skin. I feel so lost and abandoned in this world. I walk slowly, still not knowing what to do, I know I cant do anything normal, or human because I'm simply not, not now. Now that he has changed me, still hating the man... 'Spike' yet have sorrow for the bastard.

My thoughts are broken as I hear some one calling out my name; I ignore it though and keep walking. I then hear foot steps in the distance, as a cold hand grabs me and forces me to turn around and meet his eyes. "What's wrong with Max?" he demands impatiently and breathlessly.

I look at him, not caring about his opinions; after all he has never cared about my feelings.

I shake my head angrily as I push his hand of my frail skin, hating any man or anybody touching me.

"Don't touch me" I spit.

He moves back a few steps, trying to give me space, "Okay! Whatever, what the hell is wrong with Max!" he demands furiously.

I drop my eyes to the floor, looking at everything but him as I mumble incoherent things to myself.

"What? Speak up!" he screams franticly.

I finally look up, in his cold eyes yet not as cold as mine.

"He...doesn't have a soul and either do I..." I whisper and mumble at the same time. He looks at me intensely, my gaze drifts off to the loud sounds I hear. I see flashing lights and hear loud noises echoing inside my mind, continuously...

I look back at Michael, his trying to say something but all I can hear is his rapped heartbeat. I shake my head trying to listen but everything seems cloudy I can barley see were i'm standing.

I feel his hands on my shoulders once again, "What did you do to Max? Who the hell are you?" he demands, while he shakes me furiously. I ignore him though, I honestly don't know what is happening to me. I cant see, it's foggy the fog seems thick and moist and everything is moving around...I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I feel him shake me harder as I feel a stinging sensation on my left cheek, I hold my cheek in pain as I slowly yet cautiously look up. I see him standing there with pure anger in his eyes. I flick my wrist as his body goes flying into the brick wall of the ally that were in. I look around and I honestly don't remember walking here...I don't remember anything.

I snap my head back as my memories come bombarding inside my head; tears sting my eyes as I remember and feel the things that I have done...horrible, cold things. My eyes dart to the dark ally only to see Michael crouched on the floor holding his bloody nose.

I wipe away any evidence that linger on my face as I walk closer to Michael, he watches me as he tries to move away from me but there is know were he can go.

"I don't want to kill you Michael but that doesn't mean I wont defend my child and that also doesn't mean I wont hurt you" I say to him coldly. He looks at me with hatred I have to stop myself from laughing hysterically, if only he knew that now I don't give a fuck that people hate me I don't need any of them...all I need is my child.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MAX?" he demands, I smile at him, its just like Michael to get over ruled by his emotions.

"Don't bother looking for him, he will kill you if he finds you" I say simply, already knowing that, that answer isn't good enough for him that he wants more answers, answers I'm not willing to give.

"Your saying my best friend, my brother is going to kill me?" he demands, not believing anything I say.

"Believe what you want Michael, I honestly don't care. The facts are that I don't need you I don't care whether you live or die so consider my warning in gratitude," I say with a smile.

"I've been looking for you everywhere, who ever knew you could run so fast" she say mockingly.

I turn around quickly to see her, Buffy, in her right hand she has a sword and in the left a stake.

I ignore all of Michael's questions for I don't have the time right now, knowing why she is here, why Buffy is here, to do one thing, kill me.

"So you and your boy tight?" I ask curiously, with a mocking smile.

"My what? Boy? Girl your tripping" she says sarcastically, I shake my head, "I don't think so, you and Spike, your lovers right?" I ask wanting to know the answer.

"What is it to you? Jealous?" she scorns. I look at her intensely and then give a smile.

"Im pregnant with his child, jealous?" I ask with a wicked smile placed on my face yet inside I feel the insecurity closing up on me, eating me whole.

Although Buffy's expression is priceless, she looks completely and utterly shocked with sadness in her eyes, which gives me some gratitude.

"You're lying!" she screams as she positions herself ready to attack any moment. I stand there with a smirk on my face, hiding away the tears, which seem to want to escape; yet I can't let them.

"What the hell is happening?" Michael demands from behind me, thinking just because his a guy that his going to get an answer, ha! I whisper inside my mind.

"Well I guess you didn't satisfy him enough" I say with an edge of sadness in my voice yet determined to keep the ice frozen over my emotions.

"Slut! How can you do that with some one you don't even know?" she demands angrily.

"Ask him that..." I reply dully, knowing now that she can't, that there was so many unsaid questions that I had to say to the bastard yet my emotions over ruled me, once again my feelings took over, and won! Im more disgusted with myself, letting my emotions get so out of wack.

She runs forward, I almost didn't see her as my hand flings up and energy hits her square in the chest, knocking her momentarily on the ground. She gets up quickly I can tell that she doesn't want me to think she's weak.

"What the fuck are you?" she yells from the darkness that she is now in.

I ignore her as I hear Michael yell from behind me.

"Someone Fucken tell me what's going on! I want to know and I want to know NOW!" he demands as he uses his immature powers to throw me up in the air, soon followed by a crash landing. I sob in pain as I quickly get up, thinking that I've broken my left arm.

"Its cool, I have a spare" I say, while showing him my right arm as green energy comes from my palm, throwing him even harder in the wall then I expected. I hear a small cry as I glare back at Buffy, which is looking at me intensely.

I don't bother looking back at Michael because I already know that his weaker then me, heck he is even weaker then Buffy, which is saying a lot. I snap out of my thoughts as I see Buffy picking up her sword as she circles around me, glaring at me in the process.

I hold back a laugh, already knowing that she won't win against me, she is far too weak. Yet inside I'm screaming not to do this, not to kill another living creature but something takes over me as I follow Buffy with my eyes as well as my body.

She is first to attack as she swing kicks me, I duck, my fist hits her in the ribs as she quickly recovers. She then kicks my thigh as I tumble on the ground I quickly back flip up, waiting for her next move as I circle around her.

"Never knew you had it in you!" she says to me coldly, not knowing whether she meant me sleeping with Spike or me kicking her ass.

"So how did you weasel your ass in bed with Spike anyway?" she asks me curiously yet bitterly.

I hide the tears under the curtain of my hair as we continue to circle each other in the cold rain.

I give a bitter smile as I reply; "I didn't need to weasel **my** way into his bed when he was the one **following** me!" I say with extra emphasis on the word 'my & and following', while I give a laugh. Her expression on her face was hysterical as she looks at me with anger.

She lashes out and kicks me in my left arm as I scream out in pain, knowing the arm that I thought was broken is definitely broken, if it wasn't before, it is now. I feel her fist hit me in the chest as I stumble to hold onto something cold and shiny for balance. I ignore all her brutal comments and questions as I high kick her in the head, now watching her gracefully, fall to the ground with a loud thud.

I bend down and pick her up by her black, tight shirt as I swing her across to the brick wall where Michael was currently lying. I see blood dripping from her lip as I lick my lips in pleasure. I walk swiftly in the shadows as I see her looking franticly for my presences, before she knew what hit her I kick her from behind, in the back. I watch her with satisfactory as she falls to the ground once again, struggling to get up.

I make a grab for her, to taste her blood, even if it is just for a few moments. I can already taste it in my mouth. The tingling sensation it was. I see her trying to move away as I grab her hair forcing her neck towards my teeth.

I feel her skin; it's so close that I can smell her and her cheap perfume. I can see her sweat, which is dripping off her shoulder as I'm so close. It was inevitable that I did not reach her, as I feel my self-getting pushed hard onto the brick, cold wall as I soon feel the scratchy edges of the bricks slide down my fleshy half-dead arms. I slowly look up seeing who dares to interrupt me while I was eating. I hold back a sob as I meet the eyes of the man, which was once lingered in the shadows... which haunts me night and day.


	20. Living Is A Gift

**A/N: I wanted to say thank you so much for all my reviewers, it means a lot to me! And I wanted to have a special thank you too 'Hell-babe' 'Olivia' & Jazzypunker who has staid with my story! So thanks a bunch! Anyways back to the story, please review me with your opinions, they are most welcome!**

* * *

Loneliness conquers my emotions, ironic how the only emotion I feel just wont leave me alone. I look at the man, the very same man that I thought that I have killed, the man which I thought I got my revenge on, apparently not as I look up into his dark, icy eyes. A shiver runs up my spine as I see the true him...I shake my head in disbelief not wanting to know this cruel man, who hurts me... raped me, killed me, he took me away from living.

His protecting her...no one even tries to protect me, nor does anyone care and once again the loneliness just won't subside.

"I...I thought I killed you!" I say shakily but strong.

He ignores me as he turns around to Buffy and helps her up from the wet, muddy floor as I see them embrace. I can't help but have jealousy over run my emotions as I grab Spike from his t-shirt, to pull them away from each other. I roll my fist into a ball and punch Spike as hard as I can in the nose as I watch it bleed just like my heart is doing.

"Bastard, "I whisper weakly, watching him hold his nose to stop the blood from poring, juts like the rain.

"Don't touch him!" I hear a voice behind me scream shakily, I turn around quickly, wanting to see how terrified she is. But as I look, her emotions as well as mine dissipate into nothing, unless you look a little deeper yet no one seems to bother.

I soon feel a hand grabbing my throat roughly, taking away my oxygen as my feet are kicking violently in the thick air which surrounds me, yet I'm lacking. I soon see who has my throat in such a tight grasp, I already know that she wont let go perhaps this is my destiny...that this is my meaning to life.

I shake my head, no; this is not how I die because I'm already dead I know that. My eyes dart over to the man I despise, hate in every way, which counts. He looks at me a look, which says 'I would choose her over you'

"Fine!" I choke out as my body is on the scratchy brick wall, which is cutting my wounds open. I grab the wall as I push off it, and kick her in the stomach; she gets up from the floor as I gasp for breath in a crouch position. I get up slowly once again hiding my tears as I high kick Buffy in the head I see her trying to keep balance, I laugh in contents as I run towards her. It was inevitable until I feel myself getting kicked, its like everything is going in slow motion as my back crashes into the brick wall once again.

My eyes dart up, only to see Spike holding me against the wall his eyes, which are glaring at me in resentment, I tremble.

"Don't fucken touch her!" he screams harshly as his hand finds its way up to my neck, holding it, daring me to say something sarcastic.

"Don't touch me!" I scorn in hatred.

"What are you going to do about it?" he asks, daring me to say more.

"NO! The question is what are you going to do? The person you love yet doesn't love you back or your child, which will love you uncordially! Who are you going to choose?" I ask, now daring him.

He looks at me with a questionable look across his face as if saying

"You can't make me choose between my child and the person I love"

I give him a sly smile as realisation hits me...

I look up at him beyond discussed "you have already chosen," I reply bitterly as I struggle to get out of his grasp.

"Bastard! You did this to me and yet you would rather choose that blondes slut over your own child!" I spit as I try to shake him off me.

"Don't you dare call her that! You don't even know her!" he hisses at me.

"Either do you," I whisper coldly "Yet you can rape me and then you say you love her! Some love, I'm sure she's going to take you back with open arms!" I scream so even Buffy could hear.

"You what? YOU RAPED HER?" Buffy screams from behind Spike as a loud thunder roars through the atmosphere.

Trying not to remember that horrible night, trying so desperately to keep it under a lock and key.

"It was a mistake...something was controlling me" he whispers, yet loud enough so Buffy could hear.

"You killed her didn't you? You turned her into this!" Buffy says as she points to me as I once again struggle to become free.

"I...I don't know what came over me" he cries, not even looking at Buffy as he speaks, he still holds my body against the brick wall, were there is no light, only darkness.

"Spike! You knew we had to find all the innovative slayers! Before the first came! You knew that!" she screams franticly.

"Can you shut the fuck up? I don't want to hear all your shit!" I scream I see all there eyes glaring at me.

"Fine, Buffy, what do you want me to do with her?" Spike demands, while his grip tightens around my neck.

"She has your child..." she whispers so I barley hear her, yet I do, I cant help but have pity for her.

"You know I would give anything up for you," he says sadly as I feel his grip tighten once again.

"You fucken bastard!" I choke out with tears pouring down my cheeks; I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore I guess I just broke my own promise. Although I'm not crying because I'm so close to death, I'm crying because my own child couldn't even take its first breath in this cruel world.

It will never know how to live then again I didn't even know how to live...


	21. Justified

This may be the end...its already, has already been the end for me but this may be the end for my child if it ever had a beginning...I hated Spike for what he had done to me but killing our innocent child, my child, is unjustified.

"Why- how can you choose her over your own blood" I ask desperately yet coldly.

He doesn't answer though; I see his hands are positioned to snap my neck at any moment.

"I will see you in hell" I spit as I try to move my arms away from his grasp, yet I cant find the strength to do so...I need blood, I need to feed to become stronger. This man in front of me is keeping me from that as well as my child from living.

"I don't care if you kill her, after all you would just be doing me a favour because to me, it's just another dead vampire," She tells Spike simply. As if killing my child, who is inside me, feeding off me doesn't mean a thing. My heart may not be beating but at least I have sympathy.

I close my eyes, knowing what is going to happen next, he utters one last word, "Sorry" yet it doesn't mean a thing to me, as I open my eyes, only to see dust... I look around franticly, my eyes widen as I see him with a stake in his right hand, his glaring at me. I soon see him drop the stake as the loud noise, clatters on the concrete.

My eyes drift over to Buffy, only to see her hypnotised to the dust, which lays on the wet, soaking floor as the rain, washes it away. I smile; he got what was coming to him, although my only wish would be if he had it more painfully, like mine was.

"He got what was coming to him," I voice my opinion out loud, I soon see tears brimming in Buffy's eyes, not wanting to have pity for the bitch, I look back to see Max, still glaring at me.

"Why...why did you save me?" I ask, my voice almost failing me, he shakes his head, "You will gets yours," he whispers to me, almost not able to hear him through the loud thunder and rain, which is pounding on the concrete.

I shake my head in despair, "then why didn't you just let him kill me?" I ask confused but also angry at his harsh words.

He looks at me, confused, as he replies slowly, "I...I don't know" he admits.

"Bastard!" I hear a scream from behind Max as Buffy lunges at him, but before I knew it, I instantly flick my wrist up. Throwing Buffy, hard in the air, hopeing I killed her yet knowing I didn't. "We have to get out of here!" I yell. I hear a mumble from beside me as my eyes drift towards Michael, slowly getting up.

His eyes dart over towards Max as I see a small smile, "His not Max" I whisper hesitantly.

"Shut up! You don't know what the hell your talking about!" he screams at me as he uses his powers to make me go flying across the ally. I get up quickly as I shrug it off, yet my arm is killing me as I hold my left arm with my right.

"Michael! Can you not! Jeez I do want to have my child in one piece, Moron" I mumble harshly, knowing that I can't fight back right now that I'm far to weak. He ignores me as he tries to talk to Max, who is now glaring at him.

"Max? Are you okay man? I haven't seen you for ages, Isabel said you just needed time, you know, to get over Liz" he says sadly.

"Well thanks! I'm so glade to know that you have all gotten 'over me!'" I spit sarcastically. I soon see them both glaring at me, "fine I will shut up," I mumble, almost ready to just walk away but wanting to know were this convocation is heading.

"Max? You're scarring me, are you okay?" he asks sarcastically, I smile as I see Max walking slowly towards Michael, knowing that his hunting his prey.

"Max? Say something! Who is she?" he asks while pointing at me as if accusing me that I did this to him, which of corse I did.

"Max... Have you fed yet? Are you hungry?" I ask him as if his a child, he shakes his head, while licking his lips in pleasure. I smile, as Michael looks at me, alarmed; I give him a cunning smile as I look back at Max.

"Max, I'm sorry but you can't feed off Michael" I say with a heavy sigh, not knowing why I even care what happens to him.

"Feed? What the hell are you talking about?" he demands angrily as I see him put his hand in front of Max, now knowing that I wasn't lying.

I give him a smirk as I wipe away my tears, which ran, just a few moments ago.

"I'm not going to listen to you as far as im concerned you can go to hell" He tells me harshly, I look back at Max. Beyond hurt as I quickly become emotionless once again. I then give a smirk as I reply, "sweetie, I may not have all my strength right now but I can still fuck you up" I say sarcastically with a smile across my face, not caring that they are now both glaring at me and looking at me, shocked.

"I want answers now! Max? Who the fuck is she? And why are you being creepy?" he demands angrily.

"What? You think were just going to give you all the answers? Just like that? Your greatly mistaken, asshole!" I scream.

"I wasn't fucken talking to you!" so shut your mouth bitch!" I'm taken back for just a moment, "will you shut up!" I hear Max yell to Michael and once again I'm shocked to see him defending me after all I have done.

I feel something hit me hard as I fall to the ground the only thought I have left is 'What's happening to me?' as I soon fall to unconsciousness...


	22. Heaven

I don't seem to know were my home is I feel so lost and confused in this world that I have created around myself, for closure. I look around and see beautiful colours, which seem to swirl around my fragile, yet warm body. I feel...for once at peace, its like the war I was fighting is suddenly over...and I'm free, free from the broken promises, shattered dreams but most of all, free from the pain, that I have endured for such a short time, yet it felt like eternity.

I look down at my body, which is bare as I feel my stomach, the only thing that I once had, only to find that I feel empty... there is no child inside my stomach. I shake my head in disbelief as I try desperately to feel a connection between me and my unborn child. I shiver... not wanting this to be true.

I feel the tears stream down my cheeks, as I feel myself moving, I quickly look down, only to see a cloud under my feet, lifting me higher up into the sky, as my eyes widen in shock.

I'm pushed off the fluffy cloud, which felt so warm and comforting as my eyes are trying to adjust to the brightness. I squeeze my eyes shut, not bothering to try anymore, as I hear a voice from the distance.

"You have two option Liz, I advice you to think them through" a male voice tells me. I find myself on the ground, more like a jelly floor...its indescribable.

"Who are you" I whisper.

"I will tell you everything, depending on which option you choose" he tells me gently, I nod my head,acting as if Iunderstand. I'm still not able to see the man in front of me.

"And what are my options" I ask hesitantly.

He pauses for a moment as he slowly begins, "your dead..." he says simply"I know that" I say with frustration in my voice.

"You have two choices so choose wisely" he says again, making me more arrogant then I already am.

"What are my options?" I ask, trying to stay calm,"you must complete a task before I can give you your options, you are still a child" he tells me simply. I'm almost offended, yet I don't have the energy to argue.

"Fine what do I have to do" I ask, annoyed"I must warn you, it's an incredibly hard test" he says calmly. I nod my head, in acceptance, not quite sure were this would lead me, yet knowing I have no other choice.

"Your test is, to be completely honest with every question I ask you and most of all, to be honest with yourself" he tells me, as if its going to be the biggest thing I have ever done.

"Um... okay, I can do that" I say simply, while my eyes seem to adjust to the light, which is around me.

"Were are you" I mumble, confused would be an understatement.

"Everywhere" he says, as I look around, still not able to see him, only hearing his voice.

"Are you willing to accept the challenge" he asks impatiently, I nod my head "Yeah, I'll take your stupid challenge" I whisper, just wanting this over and done with.

I hear him give me a mocking laugh, yet not an evil one, an entertaining laugh.

"Do you love Max" he asks me simply, I shake my head"No I don't love him" I say ruthlessly.

"I said you must be honest, with me and yourself, look deep inside and you will find your answers, all of them" he tells me as if it's that simply.

"That is my honest answer" I say, getting annoyed, I give a frustrated sigh.

"LOOK" he demands, I hold my body, as I slowly close my eyes, trying to find the answers that I so desperately need.

My eyes snap open"Its not that easy" I cry,

"But it is"

"What does this have to do with anything" I scream as I look around, trying to find were the voice is coming from.

"Everything, everything has everything to do with it" he says, only confusing me more.

"I don't understand" I whisper.

"Then understand, because it's that simple"

"Its not! How did I get here, I don't understand anything, I never did and everything is getting worst" I cry, as I fall on the floor and sob.

"Child, your only confused because you make yourself that way, take a step back and look at your surroundings" he says affectionately.

I slowly sit in a crouch position, still not understanding how I lost my child...my everything.

"Why...why is this happening to me" I ask, barley in a whisper.

"I can't give you the answers until you give me mine" he tells me sadly.

I nod my head once again as I slowly get up, I close my eyes, trying to see with my eyes, what I feel.

"How can I tell you what I feel? When I don't even know myself, when I can't feel, its like my emotions are iced over and there is nothing I can do about it" I say in a croaky voice.

"It's your choice, whether or not to feel, to show emotions, your making yourself believe that you have no emotions" he says simply, once again his calmness is aggravating me.

"You don't even know me" I scream, as my voice bounces off the walls making an echo.

"I know you better then you even know yourself" he tells me "FINE! Tell me then, do I love Max? Do I understand anything" I yell as my voice echoes from the walls once again.

"I know the answer but the question is, do you?" he says bygiving me questions to ponder over because the fact is I don't know, I don't know anything anymore...

"I don't know..." I admit hesitantly.

"Why" he asks as if expecting an answer, I look around, not knowing whether I'm talking to myself.

"Because he once meant everything to me and now...I don't know" I say sadly.

"But feelings don't change over night, my child, you have much to learn"

"Then teach me"

"I am, close your eyes and slowly put down your wall that you have created around yourself, let people see you."

"I don't know how, I don't know if I can" I cry

"You're not even trying" he says impatiently, I once again give a heavy sigh as I close my eyes.

I think about Max and how he didn't save me, he saved me once and when he thought I betrayed him...he turned his back on me, or maybe it is I who turned my back on him... I killed him and he didn't even try to stop me, he in a way, let me.

My eyes snap open as things start to seem clearer"I... love him..." I whisper, barley not even hearing myself.


	23. The Begining Of The End

**A/N: I wanted to say thank you for all my reviews and also thank you to all my new reviews to! So thanks so much, every single review means a lot to me, so please keep the feed back coming, even if its brutal or harsh, I love to hear your true opinions. And if there are any questions about this fic then please have no hesitation to email me- ** Or if you just want to flame me, they are most welcome also, he he, thanks

I shake my head, no, I can't love him, I'm making myself believes a lie, a lie, which will haunt me forever. "Are you done manipulating me yet!" I ask arrogantly.

"My child, that is what you're doing to yourself, it is not I, it is you" he tells me, almost believing his words. I shake my head in frustration, "why can't you give me the answers I need? Instead of talking in cryptic!" I scream desperately.

"Child, they are not puzzles, look a little deeper and you shall know the truth." He says wisely.

"What if I don't want to know the truth" I ask curiously.

"Then stay in your black hole that you have created around yourself, stopping everything and everyone from seeing 'you'"

"Then why can you see me?" I ask, talking to the nothingness that my mind has created.

"You ask all the wrong questions, and yet you don't even realise it" he tells me as if I'm supposed to get what his saying.

"I don't understand! God, why does everything have to be so hard" I ask frantically, eagre to know the answer.

"Not everything is hard, yet it will always seem that way, its only hard if you make it hard" he tells me.

"You're not making any sense! How do I get out of here? What happened to my child" I demand impatiently.

"Do you really want to leave this world for your old one"

I don't answer though, I'm stuck inside my thoughts, they are all so unforgettable.

I slowly look up with tears stinging my eyes"I'm willing to finish that task" I say shakily.

"Are you sure? Are you able to be completely honest with yourself for once"

"I'm ready to see how dark it goes" I whisper, and that is my honest answer, I want, need to remember my past and what happened to me, before I died.

"I want you to go back before you died, I want you to relive it, to over come your fears, you need to break the brick wall that you have created, you must" he tells me eagerly.

I feel the tears stream down my cheeks, knowing what I have to do, I close my eyes as I think back, not knowing how long it was but knowing that it wont leave me alone, the memories.

**(Memories)**

I hear the trees swaying, side to side and I hear the crickets playing, which only reminds me ofhow lonely I really am. I feel the shadows surround me, the coldness, which touches my skin I shiver feeling the brutal reality hit me.

I'm soon knocked to the ground, struggling to get up as my eyes widen in pain, feeling every single bit of the evilness, which is in the man, which is on top of my body. I look away, not wanting to remember his face.

Tears drip down my cheeks as I relies that he wont save me...I let out a cry as I see his face... watching me with his soulful eyes, which I once adored.

He is looking down at me in resentment as I see him give me a smirk, I cry out in pain. He is leaving me to die, what he should of done along time ago, then I wouldn't have to endure love or regret.

I soon feel the man on top of me roughly get off my body as he grabs my hair, I soon feel his teeth dig into my flesh as I'm soon left with darkness, darkness is my only closure...I close my eyes as I try to leave the man, which just raped me and Max behind.

(End of memory)

My eyes snap open as I cry out in pain"He didn't save me" I cry as my body falls into a lump on the floor.

"Tell me, how did you feel"

"HOW DID I FEEL? How the hell do you think I was feeling? Happiness" I ask sarcastically.

"Tell me how you felt" he demands.

I wipe away my stray tears, as I begin"I...I felt alone...insufficient, I did everything for Max... I even gave him up, not for the world... merely because he asked me too. I know how selfish that sounds, but he meant everything to me." I sob in my hands, trying not to let one escape.

"Fix... please Fix me" I whisper.

"But my dear, you're not broken"

"In a way...I am" I say honestly.

"Can you please give me, my two options now, I'm ready to choose" I say clearly.

"You have past the test, you will be awarded with two choices"

I nod my head, as I listen carefully "your first choice is to live in a world, where no one can hurt you, your free from the pain, resentment, you will be loved unconditionally, you will be happy." He pauses for a moment.

"That's my choice" I ask hesitantly, knowing already which one im going to go with.

"Your second choice is to go back into your world, were you feel insecure and loneliness, were you will be dead forever, yet walking, emotionlessly, feeding off blood from humans. Yet the only thing you will have is your child...which is human, which has a soul, something you don't have."

"Think it through, you don't have much time, if you choose your happiness your child will perish in hell, and if you choose your child's happiness, you will be living in a hell."

"My...my child will be alive" I question, my mind is breaking down on me, not knowing what option I will choose.

"If you choose your Childs happiness then your child will have a normal, human life, it will breathe and will be capable of feeling emotions," I nod my head, as I slowly give an answer, an unbelievable one...


	24. Saturated In Blood

**A/n" Most of you will be disappointed with the ending, I am deeply sorry but I don't want a corny cliché ending... although those who have made it this far and are still reading this story, many thanks to all you lovely people for staying with this story until the very end and a special thank you to Ashley bell who has given me real criticism and I hope you don't stop with all your witty and smart ass comments, which are incredibly interesting to read, so once again thank you. And to all my other great reviews, I wouldn't write anymore if it weren't for all of you. And I love ya livi! AND THANK YOU TOO!**

I swallow down the lump, which lingers in my throat, "I want my child to live" I whisper as I close my eyes. Tears reluctantly fell down my warm cheeks as I continuously remind myself that I'm doing the right thing. After all my life wouldn't be bliss if I constantly remind myself that my own child is perishing in hell because of my happiness.

"Is that your answer?" the voice asks me tiredly, I nod my head, not sure if he or it could see my gesture.

"Very well, although I must advise you, if you die for what ever reason you will perish in hell, your child however will go to heaven for your great sacrifice" he tells me sadly.

I shake my head, "Don't make me out to be a hero, please...your only going to make it harder for me to except reality" I whisper. Feeling the tears rapidly roll down my cheeks.

"You may ask me one question and I will answer it to the best of my ability" He tells me softy.

I stand there for a moment as I think through my question.

"You say my child is human yet why was it feeding off blood?" I ask with an edge of sadness.

"Your child is completely human" he replies.

"But that's not my question" I berate, trying to keep my cool.

I hear him sigh as he begins to talk, "Your child is completely human, your child wasn't feeding off blood, it was you who was doing so"

"Then why was my child telling me to feed?" I ask angrily.

"I have already answered your question, now are you ready to return home?" he asks, hearing an edge of sadness in his voice.

I shake my head, yet knowing that I wont ever be ready, I close my eyes as I slowly nod.

I feel my face, it feels moist as well as my hands, I slowly open my eyes, only to find myself on the floor, face down on the pavement.

I turn around; only to have the cold rain, as well as reality smack me in the face. I look up at the sky, the black, dark sky as I realise were I am, how can I not? I feel my neck with my hands, only to find that my hands are saturated with blood...my blood. I've been given a second chance and I don't understand why, for I have done terrible things to the ones I love so dearly...

I slowly get up from were I was lying. My eyes drift around at my surroundings as I soon see Buffy on, what looks like a large bin, holding a sharp, pointy weapon in front of her chest. I start to panic, not wanting to perish in hell, nor do I want my child to die and not once taste life.

'I'm going to make it through this' I keep telling myself. I follow Buffy's gaze, my eyes widen as I feel my blood boil. I see Max's unconscious form against the brick wall. For a slight second I thought he was dead, I sigh in relief as I see his chest moving in a rhythm.

I soon see Buffy staring at me in dismay as her eyes tear a whole right through me.

"I killed you!" she whispers among the loud crack of lightning followed by thunder. The lightning lightens up the city for a few seconds and then once again there is darkness.

I stand there for a moment, not knowing what to say or what to do.

"You cant kill the dead," I shout over the heavy rain, she looks down at me.

"Then why is Spike dead?" she berates angrily.

"Because he deserved it," I whisper, not sure if she heard me. From the look, which just crossed her face, she did, it almost leaves me with satisfaction if my heart didn't hurt so much.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" she spits as she clenches her weapon harder against her chest. I take a few steps back, "No, your delusional, you really think I don't know what I'm talking about? I guess your more naive then you look!"

"Because of you the slayer line is all fucked up!" she says as she points her crossbow towards me. "How the hell is it my fault?" I ask angrily as I hold onto the edge of my t-shirt, clenching it as hard as I can. My shirt is also soaked in blood.

"You did something to Spike" she screams, as she aims for my heart, were its supposed to be beating yet isn't.

"How can you blame it all on me? When your precious little Spike was the one who raped me! Who killed me! You think I asked for it?" I scream as I feel the rain pelt on my face.

"You don't know how it feels to loose the people you love! But your going to find out!" she scream as I see the crossbow aim towards Max's unconscious body.

Everything is in slow motion, I don't know what to do, I'm once again force to choose between the people I love. I hear the crossbow go off as it leaves its harmless position. It fly's through the air as if its dawdling, I leap in the air, towards my destination.

**T b c**

**A/n: Please review, it would mean alot to me! and thank you for reading!**


	25. Not Suppose To Be

**A/n: please review it would mean a lot to me**

I clench my eyes shut, dreading the pain that I will soon feel. My last thoughts are about him and my last breath is for him as I soon feel the rusty object penetrate inside my open, gushing wound. I fall next to the unconscious boy, who I shall forever love as I slowly open my eyes to see the damage, which lingers on my body.

She missed...she missed my heart by only inches. I can see the blood, which drips from my wound. I can hear Buffy's rapid heartbeat as I lie next to the love of my life. Her heart seems so peaceful. I lie on the concrete and just listen as my blood runs from my body and onto the concrete as the rain washes it into the gutter.

I feel so weak, I'm dying...my child is dying, and I gave up my happiness for nothing, for him. And I know, I know still he won't forgive me nor do I expect him to. Tears once again fall from my eyes as the feelings I feel wont subside. Tears don't even seem enough.

I hear Buffy in the distends; I don't bother trying to hear her last brutal comments, for they don't mean a thing to me. Instead I listen to her deep breathing.

And yet I don't have any regrets. I let out a laugh, which only proves that I was losing it, losing the gift of living. I had to find out the hard way, that pain, tears, is all part of living.

I can feel blood in my throat as I try to cough it up, yet not finding the strength to move I lie still. Knowing any sudden movement would be futile.

"How cliché, saving your boy" Buffy says, so randomly. I close my eyes, trying to concentrate on my own breathing.

"Now you and your bastard of a child will die together, isn't that cute?" she says mockingly. I tighten my eyes, trying to think of Max and only Max. I let out a frustrating cry as images of Tess and Max come bombarding inside my head. It sickens me, how the memories of her tear my last chance of happiness away from me.

"Oh! No snappy comeback? Or witty comments?" Buffy berates. I try to speak but it came out as a cry.

I hold the end of the arrow, feeling the blood, which stains it. I take a few breaths in and then back out as I prepare myself for the worst. I try to tighten my grip on the arrow, which is shot through me but only finding my grip loosen. I fear that it shall be the end for me.

For me...have you ever had that realisation just hit you? When you've hit rock bottom. It was never about my child, it was never about Max or my family nor my friends. I constantly fed myself with lies, which I even believed.

I can feel the darkness coming for me; it's dragging me along, to face my demons, which has been myself all this time.

I slowly close my eyes, yet at the same time trying to fight the inevitable ...darkness surrounds my soul, I can feel its wrongness inside me. I can feel it penetrate through my skin, like a dagger cutting right through my flesh as I lash out to hold onto something for closure. And in return I find nothing... air, I open my eyes to see were the darkness has carried me to. I'm greeted with silence, I slowly look down at my body to find stiches replaced were the arrow was supposed to be.

I find myself laying on a blue bed, which is soaked in blood, you couldn't really tell the bed was blue, unless you've been here a thousand times before. I look around franticly to find the man I dreadfully need more then I would admit to neither anyone nor myself. I button up my red t-shirt, not knowing how my cloths are any different to what it was. My red shirt hangs like a dress on me. As were my legs feel bare and cold.

I slowly get off the warm bed, I look around, and my eyes soon seem to reside on the mirror, which remains in front of me. I still can't see my reflection and it saddens me just that little bit more.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I slowly look down at my now blotted belly. Which looks so swollen and at the same time, beautiful, in my eyes anyway. And for the first time I felt my child kick and soon after, I smile.

I feel something in my throat as I try to cough, but it only seems to irritate my stitchers, which makes it hurt even more. I feel my forehead, which has sweat dripping down the side of my face. I wipe the sweat with the back of my hand, away.

My legs suddenly feel weak and delicate; I look around the room to find something stable to lean on for support. I feel the ground move under my feet or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I lean my body against the wall; it feels nice and cool pressed against my flesh.

I slowly look down at my wrist in curiosity. I have a sudden urge and temptation to scratch my skin...it soon turns into, wanting to rip my skin apart. I tremble in fear of what I'm becoming, what I already am. I'm supposed to be dead...no, I'm already dead, I'm supposed to perish in hell, for that is what I deserve.

Although I feel light headed I make my way back to the waiting bed, not caring about the stains, which seem to makes its presence, noticed. I collapse on the bed, trying not to close my eyes, knowing what is waiting for me behind close eyes. His body is gone but his soul will forever haunt me; that I know.

I force myself to sit up, hearing a whimper coming from my mouth; I quickly press my hands against my lips. Not wanting any one to hear my cries for help.

I hear the door burst open, as I quickly look who has arrived, not knowing what time it is, only knowing that I have to feed. I soon see his now non-soulful eyes as he looks back at me. He throws her lifeless body on the bed in front of me. At that single moment it reminded me of 'Spike' and how he killed Tess...and I was forced to take the blame, for I did drain her blood, and the guilt of that still wont subside.

I stare at him as he looks down at me, his expression is telling me to feed, without asking him any questions, I shake my head, he should of known by now that I'm not helpless.

"Wh-" realising my voice isn't working as it used too.

He sighs in frustration as he closes the door behind him, "You saved my life, I want to return the favour" he says dryly.

I can feel a single tear drip down my now cold cheeks I quickly wipe it away.

"But... I'm the one who took your life" I croak in guilt.

"You don't have much time, you will die if you don't drink her blood, she is the key to your survival," he whispers, ignoring my last comment.

I feel more tears roll down my cheeks, as he looks down at me with sympathy, yet hatred. I feel like he has me under a microscope and his scrutinizing every detail of me. From the best parts to the worst, I feel so transparent when I'm around him, like he can see through me.

"Thank... you" I whisper, knowing that he heard me but chose to ignore it. I can feel myself tremble as I feel more sweat come off my forehead. I slowly reach out for the woman, which is next to me, who I have learnt to hate.

I grab her arms and pull her closer to my chest as I pull her hair away from her neck to taste how sweet a slayer is. My eyes linger back at Max's as I can feel his eyes burning into mine. I shake my head as I push her onto the floor, not wanting Max to hate me anymore then he already does.

"I...I can't" I tremble as my voice fails me.

He glares back at me, "You have to!" he demands. I shake my head in disagreement.

"Your child will die if you don't drink her blood! You need her blood! We have been looking everywhere to find the cure, how to kill the virus, which is inside of you! And this is the only way, Liz! Are you listening to me?" he screams, seeing the tears for the first time, gleam in his dark brown eyes.

"I don't want to feed off blood...I... to me this is hell" I whisper as I slowly take my gaze off his and look at the dead body which is beside the bed.

He doesn't argue for a moment, I don't know how many minutes or hours pasted, but I soon find his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look into his eyes. I slowly look up into the darkness that I have created.

He takes a deep breath as he tries to talk, "Li.." he stutters, trying to find the right words. "I need you" he blurts out, my eyes widen as his hands drop to his side. He sits on the bed beside me as he continues.

"When I woke up, I found your body, I was petrified that I would loose you...while I was trying to save you, Michael defended her off, We couldn't do much, it would have been futile to fight with her in your position" he says as he points to her body which is laying on the floor. "Its already been a week, you have almost died several times, I...I tried to heal you but my power wouldn't work, its like I didn't have any to begin with."

He takes another slow breath as he tries to work out the enigma, which he has created inside his head.

"I forced myself to talk to Isabel and the others, we all agreed we would fine the cure. Eventually we did but it was almost to late, you don't have much time Liz! You have to drain a slayer to be able to raise your child and watch it grow!" he says, almost mumbling.

"I cant bear to live in this cruel world...I don't want you to hate me anymore." I whisper.

"I'm...sorry, I don't know how to stop hating you but what I do know is...that I love... you and that will never change, but please just drink!" he pleads

I can feel myself slowly give into his torment, willing me to drink her blood.

"I cant! I don't want you to hate me! Why do you hate me?" I ask, knowing how stupid it sounds even to my own ears.

He looks at me with his pleading eyes, I close my eyes as I slowly kneel over the bed and pick up her cold body. My stomach is screaming no but my head is screaming yes, I almost backed out, until I saw how loving Max's eyes really are. This time I didn't hesitate as I lashed onto the dead corpse known to be my cure.

I drank her, feeling his eyes still watching my every move. I let her body slip out of my grasp as her blood seeps into my veins. I lick my lips with satisfaction. I look back at Max, feeling stronger then I ever have.

I throw her dead corps off the bed, her body lands on the floor with a loud thud. "So you did it, you killed her, here I thought you were going to be feeble, I guess your not as stupid as you look" his husky voice feels the silent air. I snap my head towards the voice. I shake my head, knowing now that his already gone; I can't bring back my best friend...

Yet knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. I turn my attention backto Max, were he has shut off his emotions once again and now I don't know whether I can ever bring him back. "Max..." I whisper, he looks at my t-shirt, he knows underneath is where you would find proof that I am more then just weak.

He ignores my plea, which only saddens me, I softly sigh as I feel more tears drip down my cheeks...it feels like they have lost all meaning.

"Ah, isn't this a classic?" The man who looks like Alex berates.

"Why... did you sleep with..." Max trails off; perhaps he just doesn't want to know the answers nor do I know whether or not I could provide him with any. After all what does he want me to say? That I didn't do it, not like he would believe me anyway, whatever I say he will hold it against me.

"I have to go," I say without meaning it. I get up quickly as I feel the pain; my stiches rubbed against my clothing. It starts throbbing, Max quickly takes me and lays me on his bed.

"You think he still cares?" the Alex look alike asks me.

"Why would you care?" I scream.

Max looks at me as he wipes a stray hair out of my face, thinking that I was talking to him, he gently kisses my forehead.

"You need to rest," he whispers as he slowly walks away and out the door, he closes it behind him, leaving me alone with darkness.

"Well you see, even though I'm evil, half of me is still Alex, the Alex you loved and depended on all thous years ago," he tells me as he smirks.

He walks up to the bed so I can see him more clearly.

"Liar!" I whisper.

"Go on ask me a question that only Alex would know"

"Leave me alone, I just want to be left alone" I whisper.

"You know as well as I do that that is a lie, your sick and tired of being alone!" he tells me, not believing that he knows me so well.

"If you know these things about people, then why don't you help them instead of messing with there minds" I question, holding my stomach as if it's my closure.

"I have my reasons, as well as you do," he tells me simply. Although I don't doubt his reasons nor do I find it in my heart to care.

I pull the blanket up to my neck, holding it tightly. I still can't force myself to get some rest; I don't want to dream for I know what it will become.

I'm screaming inside my head for Max to save me, save me from myself, I know a part of the man which walks around without emotions, is still Max, no matter how many times he denies it.

I lay awake, so many memories still live inside my mind, I can't wash them away nor can I forget them. The truth is like a lie in so many ways, it eats you up inside until there is nothing left.

Hours pass and still I'm not able to close my eyes, not wanting to dream. I think about Max and how I wish he loved me the way I want him to, that our life was perfect in every single way. Finally I surrender to the darkness as I close my eyes, waiting for him to haunt me.

**(Dream)**

His rough body against mine, crying for him to stop, although he doesn't his grip just tightens as I'm forced to live through this nightmare all over again.

I shut my eyes tightly to picture Max in my head, to think about all the times we've shared, good and bad they are all better then this ache that I feel inside. I slowly look towards the shadows, only to see his face, Max's. I scream for him to help me but he doesn't seem to hear me, instead he stands there and watches. He then smiles at me as in saying that I deserve it all.

**(End of dream)**

I wake up with sweat poring down my face as well as tears. Wishing I didn't close my eyes. My whole body is trembling as I sit up in bed; pushing my hair out of the way I begin to cry.

The question still remains, was it really Max? Could he really be that heartless to just leave me there, not to even try to help me? I press my hands against my mouth, sobbing quietly as I slowly rock myself back and forth. Spike haunts me but Max's face haunts me even more, the fact that he just smiled without a care in the world is appalling. It sickens me to death...if I wasn't already dead.

I'm still trembling, my body refuses to obey any of my orders. I slowly push the blanket off my body as I slide off the bed. I take a few steps towards the door only to trip over. I look back at the object that I've tripped over. My eyes widen as I see Buffy's corps lying on the floor next to my bed. I give out a tiny scream as I quickly get up and run towards the door. I open it half heartily expecting to walk through it but some thing stops me it like an invisible wall is stopping me from my destination.

I hit the invisible wall with my fist only to have my fist throb in pain. I heavily sigh as I lean my back on it as I slide down on my bottom to cradle myself. I can hear voices down stairs, little murmurs which seem to echo inside my mind. I try to listen intensely

"Max! She killed you for gods sakes can you just listen to yourself for one fricken minute!" I hear an oddly familiar voice.

"Isabel, What the hell did you want me to do? Let her die?" I hear Max ask. Knowing now that they are talking about me.

"I don't know how about yes!" she screams, trying to keep her voice low so I don't hear her.

There is a minutes of silence as I soon hear him again, "I thought you would understand, from all people!" he says disgustingly.

"Well I'm sorry Max but how can I understand! She killed your child! She killed Tess and then she killed you! Look at you you're a what, sorry I forgot a vampire! Who can't even go out in the sunlight nor have emotions! What will I tell mum and dad when they get back from there vocation?" she screams irately.

"You should thank Liz, for she is the only reason why you're not dead yet, why your not all dead" he says coldly. I shiver at how cold he sounds, for he is the monster that I've created but the superior monster is the man who had created me.

"The Max I knew would have never said or even think of saying that to me" She whispers so I could barely hear her.

"The Max you thought you knew, never existed," he tells her bitterly.

"Whoa! Wait Max you don't mean that!" another woman's voice cuts in; hearing Isabel cry softly while the other girl defends her.

"I don't wish do have this discussion anymore, its over" he says loud enough so everybody in the room could hear him.

"Don't you dare tell me whether its over or not! My best friend is up there! While you guys are debating whether or not to kill her, I lost her before but I will be dammed if I loose her again!" She says firmly.

"Maria! She is not Liz; Liz would never kill Max or even Tess for that matter! She has no soul as well as Max!" Isabel tells her.

"You touch Liz and I will kill you myself," she whispers harshly. At the sound of it I think Isabel backed off.

"Okay Maria! Calm down! We aren't going to kill Liz, not unless she attacks us first but we need a plain," A husky voice comments. Every one seems to ignore him as Isabel talks again.

"Does anyone not see the big picture here? She has killed and she will kill again! She is a cold blood murderer who killed Alex!" She screams.

That was the last straw. "Your full of shit Isabel!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Trying to get past the invisible shied which is in front of me. "I didn't kill him! He was my best friend I didn't kill him!" I scream once again, hearing footsteps approach me. Tears fog my vision as I try to wipe them away, yet they only seem to come more rapidly.

"I didn't kill him!" I whisper again as I slide on the floor in my original position, curling myself up once again. Whispering incoherent thoughts to myself.

I feel some one pull me up to my knees and then my feet as they hold me in their arms as I sob. Knowing already that its Max, no one else would have the guts to be this close to me.

"Shhh, its okay, no one is going to hurt you" he whispers in my ear, although I don't care if they do but I would rather go to hell then be blamed of killing my best friend, I've already killed my soul mate I will not take the blame of something I never did or would of ever done.

I cry on his shoulder as I can feel every one glaring at me, some in sympathy but most of them in hatred. He slowly takes his arms off my fragile body as he turns to face the others.

I wait to hear their harsh words but they don't come, instead they all stare at me in astonishment. Isabel was the first to break the silence.

"So how does it feel like being you?" she whispers in sarcasm. I felt like biting back but I stopped myself.

"Your welcome to take my place" I say calmly even though I'm far from it. I rub my stomach to keep my child warm, I smile as I feel and hear its little heartbeat.

"Your pregnant?" Maria asks, I can tell that she is beyond shocked, it would be an understatement with the expression that is left on her face, with her mouth wide open.

I shrug, after all what am I supposed to say? That I'm pregnant and yeah I got raped by a creepy vampire which happened to be in the park were I was waiting for a bus to get out of Roswell. Oh I can't forget that part can I, I say sarcastically in my head.

There's an awkward silence, which fills the air once again. I soon hear a small voice; "Do you want something to drink? We can go down stairs and discuss this while were down there" I turn to see Isabel looking intensely at the ground as she speaks.

"I cant there's an invisible wall which is stopping me from going anywhere in your house" I say angrily as I cross my arms then quickly uncross them because of the stinging sensation of my stiches. They all look at me with a strange expression on their faces. Once again with the awkward silence, all I can hear are their rapid heartbeats, something I don't have, yet jealous of.

"Fine you want me to show you, look at this," I say as I try to run in the invisible wall only to fall on the ground outside the doorway. I quickly pick myself up, not knowing how I did that.

"Okay fine lets go downstairs," I mumble incoherently as people pass me, giving me funny looks as they go. I walk down slowly, carefully avoiding tripping over. My stiches hurt even more as I still feel some sweat from my dream on my forehead.

I finally make it at the bottom; it seems like a lifetime since I've been here. I still remember the photos of Max and Isabel when they were little. Where the pictures still remain on the wall, untouched with dust on the frames. I look at the photo intensely.

"That was so long ago" She whispers from behind me, I quickly turn around, her emotions are unreadable, to me anyway.

I shrug my shoulders in a non-caring gesture as I turn towards the kitchen, only to have her stand in front of me.

"I'm not your friend, the only reason your still alive is because your carrying an innocent child, which leaves me to the next question, why did you kill Max's innocent child when he had nothing to do with it?" she demands, her eyes glaring right through me.

For a second I was almost intimidated until I realised she doesn't know the whole truth so who is she to criticise anyone without all the facts?

I stand up straight, yet still not as tall as her; her death glare isn't enough to bring me down. "Get your facts right before you open your mouth" I say firmly yet bitterly. She was about to say something until Kyle walks in with a cup of coffee in his right hand.

He hands it to me; I slowly take it with a semi smile on my face as I walk passed Isabel, ignoring her expression, and into the kitchen towards the others with my cup of coffee. I sit down on the wooden chair next to the table, sipping my cup of coffee. I patiently wait for their questions, which I know they all have. Soon Isabel and Kyle enter the room and sits in a chair furthers from me.

Maria and Max stand as well as Michael, Michael was the first to speak; "How did you become..." he stutters, surprised that he didn't just blurt it out like the insensitive asshole he really is.

"The same way I turned Max into a vampire" I whisper uncomfortably, feeling them all staring at me with disgusted.

"Why did you turn him into a monster?" Isabel asks bitterly. How was I supposed to answer that? Either answer I give she wont me satisfied.

Yet I answer anyway, "I didn't want to be alone" I say a little bit over a whisper as I feel Max's eyes burning into my own. But I've learnt that I will forever be alone, no matter how many people I have, I'm always alone, that is my philosophy.

"How can you be so selfish?" Kyle asks coldly. I get up from were I was seated, "Don't you dare all lecture me about being selfish! I did what I thought I had to do for my survival its not that any of you care about me," I scream.

"How can you say that? Sure I haven't exactly been there after Alex died but you weren't the only one grieving for his death! I couldn't help you; I could barely even help myself! But don't you dare say we don't care! If we didn't we would have left you to die with that virus!" Maria says angrily.

"You can't make up for the times we never had Maria! You may of saved my child from dying but you didn't save me, I'm already dead or have you forgotten?" I ask bitterly.

"We may have not saved you before but how were we to know that you were going to run away? Just because you couldn't handle me and Tess together!" Max asks me coldly.

My eyes linger on Max as he looks at me intensely, the pain I feel inside is indescribable.

"I don't need this from you, I don't need to hear this from any of you! You all don't know what that fuck your talking about!" I scream as tears run down my face.

"Then why did you run away?" Maria asks, I can tell she wants to hear the answer as much as everybody else does.

"I have my reason," I whisper as I turn to walk out the door from the back.

Max grabs my wrist as he spins me around to face him, "Its daylight, besides your not going anywhere until we get answers!" he says firmly.

"What are you going to do about it?" I ask as I pull my wrist out of his grasp. He pushes me into a chair as he puts his arms on my shoulders, "This." I stare at him and then around the room.

"You really think I will tell you the whole truth? You all must be more naive then I thought," I say angrily. I wipe away my dry tears as I lay back on the chair.

He looks at me, his expression is almost laughable, I can't read him, and I don't understand him anymore. My heart aches in more then one way. I feel like the ground is going to swallow me whole.

I then feel his lips on mine; I quickly pull away and slap him without thinking. I pull myself up but before I had a chance to escape, he puts his arms around me as I struggle to get away. I'm not about to give up, the wall that I've built around myself is still firmly in place and that is were it will remain. He once again puts his warm lips on mine as he tries to make a connection, to see past my brick wall.

He cant though, he needs a soul to see through my emotions, as do I. That is the only thing we had in common, was our soul and now I've taken that away from both of us. He slowly lets go, realising now that he will never be able to see me, not the way he once did. I fall on my knees with tears in my eyes, seeing everybody's just staring at me.

I reluctantly get up from my feet and run up stairs and into the bathroom without looking back. I slam the door shut and lock it, I find myself huddled in the corner next to the bath as I let my tears flow down my cheeks and onto the cold tiles. Now I know Max and I was never supposed to be, we are two different people...our destiny isn't what we make it out to be, it isn't what its ought to be.


	26. Insanity

**A/n: I know that i said that the last chapter was the end but i didn039;t like the ending so i decided to erase it and create a new and better ending039;hopefully039; so please tell me your HONEST opinions! they all mean a great deal to me, believe it or not but they do. and once again thank you so much for all the lovely and honest reviews! and a special thank you to Olivia, Ashley and Amanda for staying with this story and sending me feedback on there honest opinions! so thanks so much for your support guys! and now on with the pie! **

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I can feel the cold marble tiles against my hot sweaty skin as it caresses against my flesh. My sobs echo through the bathroom as I lay my head on the edge of the bathtub. I continuously tell myself to breathe; just to breathe, after all we already knew we weren't supposed to be. I can feel more tears flowing down my cheeks.

"God! Why do you have to be so cruel!" I whisper as I hear my voice bounces of the walls. He doesn't answer though, he never does, and that's what makes me hate him just that little bit more.

"There all supposed to be dead, you have failed again," His deep voice swells around in my head. He sits next to me, avoiding eye contact as he looks at me.

"Have you finally realised the torment they have all put you through?" He says a bit louder. I force myself to say something, anything, yet my sobs get the better of me as I just continue to rock myself.

"I...I cant take it, I don't want to live," I whisper as I lay my hand on his, only to have my hand go through him. My lips quiver as I quickly take my hand away from his; my daze lingers on his dark eyes, which seem so lifeless.

"Then don't," he says simply, as he points to the mirror in front of us. I look up to it, as I see nothing, no reflection of him nor me.

"How can you live like this" I whisper to the man which is next to me, yet not bothering to look at his hurtful eyes. "I don't," he whispers back as if mocking me. I ignore it though as I slowly get up on my feet as I dawdle to my destination. I walk towards the mirror; I slowly put my fingertips on the cold glass.

I think about this so-called life that I will soon leave behind. Nothing but hurtful memories remain inside, I don't seem to remember any good times. I tried to though; I tried so hard to remember at least one good thing, but I couldn't and it was excruciating. Without thinking, I hold my fist in the air and swing it as hard as I can into the mirror. The glass crumbles into thousands of broken pieces as it clatters on the floor next to my feet.

I slowly look down at my now bleeding fist as I clench it tightly into a ball. I smile at the pain, the physical pain I feel is no were near the pain that I feel inside, if only they all knew. I gradually look back at Max as I see him smile also. I slowly bend down to pick up a piece of glass as I intensely look at it. I run my finger over the edge as blood runs down the object. It's almost exhilarating, watching my body bleed, watching it hurt and all I can do is smile.

I can feel glass penetrate through my bare feet as I walk across to where Max's figure sits. I sit on my knees in front of Max as I lift my red t-shirt up to were my child lays in my womb, were my child seems so peaceful. I hold the piece of glass tightly as I softly stroke my stomach. Most people would think I've lost it, that just because I'm going to kill my own child, my meaning of living that I've lost any sanity I once had. Yet what they don't seem to understand is, that I don't want my child to live in this vindictive world of torment and agony.

I slowly begin to slice my stomach open as I can see flesh and blood seep out of the small yet deep cut. I hold my breath waiting to hear my Childs last heartbeat as it slowly fades. I let go of the piece of glass, which was in my hand as it drops on the floor, breaking as it lands on the tiles. I wipe my bloody hands on my already red shirt. With my right hand I slowly dig my hand into my stomach were the cut is, as I reach in to grab my child, to see its beautiful face.

The pain is almost unbearable, I try to hold my mouth with my left hand to stop a cry from escaping my lips. If you think killing my own child was easy you are greatly mistaken. Although I don't have any regrets because now my child will be happy, and now it wont have to live in this cruel, heartless world, yet still that doesn't mean that the pain I feel doesn't hurt any less.

Blood which drips out of my wound as I pull my dead child out of my lifeless body. I smile as I see two beautiful children, twins, as I realise one was a boy and the other was a girl. Tears drip down my cheeks as I realise they will both go to heaven were they belong. They're so small, so fragile and so beautiful at the same time, and I don't even know how old they are nor can I remember.

I look over towards were Max is sitting as I see a grin on his face as he watches my dead children lie on my breast as I rock them back and forth in a rhythm. I sing a lullaby as I'm slowly looss consciousness; I force myself to stay awake for this precious amount of time.

I snap my eyes awake as I realised that I cried myself to sleep, I quickly get up and run towards the sink as I vomit up blood. I franticly rip my shirt off to see if my child is all right, to see if I still have a cut were I sliced my stomach open. I take a few deep breaths as I realise that it was only my mind playing tricks on me, I rub my stomach, trying to give my child some comfort.

I look up to were the mirror still sits on the wall and where still there is no reflection of me in site. I laugh bitterly, I couldn't help myself nor control myself, as I swing my fist towards the mirror, it smashes in tinny little pieces. I look down at my fist as I watch it bleed in amazement.

I hear a loud bang on the door as I snap my head towards the sound, I look at the door intensely as I debate whether or not I should open it. I walk slowly towards the door as the person on the other end continues to knock louder and louder. The thuds seem to make me want to break something, smash it in tiny, little pieces as small as my children.

I quickly wipe away my tears, which fell only moments ago as I reach for the door nob; I twist it slowly and soon after, open it. I'm surprised to see Maria at the other end as she looks at me with sympathy, which only makes me angrier.

"What do you want!" I demand frustrated.

Her gaze falls onto the broken glass, which is shattered all over the floor and then at my hand, which has pieces of glass still in my fist.

"You're bleeding," she tell me, like I don't already know, I quickly hide my hand behind my back, out of site. I look at her with an emotionless expression on my face as I shrug, "What do you want?" I demand.

She stutters for a moment as I see her getting impatient, "You've been in the bathroom for more then two days! And its our only bathroom" she tells me, as she takes her eucalyptus oil out of her pocket. I roll my eyes, as I use to when ever she use to sniff that crap as I close the door in her face.

I look around the bathroom; my eyes soon see the broken glass, knowing that I have to do something about it. I take a deep breath as I hold my hand over the shattered glass as I try to concentrate, surprisingly it was harder to control my alien powers then it was before. Perhaps it was easier before because I was playing on my emotions. Soon enough I manipulated the structure of the broken glass into a whole piece, into a mirror. I slowly yet delicately move it towards the wall were it once hung. Satisfied with the results I put it down gently and then turn around towards the door and open it.

I still see Maria with her mouth wide open as she glares right through me, "You just did not do that!" she finally says sarcastically. I look around the corridor and then back at her, "Nope I didn't" I reply, with a small smile placed on my lips.

**T B C**


	27. Darkness

**A/n: Thank you to all my new reviews and thank you for my old reviews also, I love hearing what you think and im extremely proud of knowing that some one is actually reading this fic. Please continue with all your wonderful and honest reviews for that really do mean a lot to me.**

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_I often wonder why I'm staying in this world were I couldn't live, were I'm ashamed and reluctant to breathe. The irony is that in reality I'm not truly living, there's a fine line between death and the living I just cant seem to work out which I belong to. I'm filled with shame and self-pity where I constantly berate myself, and no one seems to mind. I envy thous who can keep a smile on their faces and actually mean it; I pity the fools which lie to themselves...I pity myself. I slowly look up to the out-going blonde who is staring at me intensely_

_I see so many different layers that she tries to hide from the rest of the world, that she tries to hide from even herself, yet she doesn't fool me. Under her deep hazel eyes there are unleashed tears that she forgets to shed that she forgot to understand. Confusion surrounds her soul; she's trapped in the world that I died in. My eyes linger in the absence in her eyes; her pain runs deeper then what she shows on the surface._

_Yet she hides it under her façade that she has worked so hard to protect. I always thought I understood her, understood the bubbly blonde who pretends that she is happy, not a care in the world. But now I know I didn't, just by looking at her I already know that I never did understand her, not the way that I thought I once did. Its ironic how you think you know someone as much as you know yourself but as it turns out, you find out that you barely even know yourself from the beginning._

"Snap out of it! Are you going to get out of the bathroom...? Now!" says a fulsome voice before me. I slowly nod my head in agreement as I cautiously make my way to Max's bedroom. My eyes search the hallway, the dull colours remain on the walls. I soon find myself in my lovers room were there are bloodstains which blemish's the bed and where there is a dead body lying next to it. I can't seem to take my eyes off her fragile yet mutated body were it lies lifeless, never to breathe or live for that matter again.

I slowly step over the woman, who once berated me as I walk towards the window; I slowly open the curtains, which blinds my view to the outside world. I soon find that its pitch-black, were I have failed to recollect. Random yet furious thoughts enter my addled mind, knowing that I must feed...need to feel life running through my veins, to hear there endless cries for help, I need to feel human in some minute way.

I quickly open the window to persist my destination; I must for it is my survival after all. I climb on the windowsill as I look down to see an abyss of dark empty thoughts, with not much hesitation or delay I leap off the windowsill and onto the hard concrete. I leisurely look up into the now dark, acrimonious sky, which lingers now above me. There are no stars to be seen as well as there is no moon.

"Were are you going? On such a gloomy night?" asks a husky voice behind me. I promptly turn around to find that there is nothing. I search for any signs of movement, but there is nobody to be found.

"I'm up here," says a dawning voice, I slowly look up to where I heard the mysterious yet familiar voice.

"Why are you following me?" I almost scream to where he sits on top of his roof. Even in the dark I can still see his piercing eyes looking into mine, where they never seem to rest.

"Stop it!" I whisper as I look away from his gaze.

"Stop what?" he asks fulsomely, I stutter for a moment as I leap from the ground to were he sits. I look to where I have landed, on the roof of his house, where there is a long drop down, which probably wont kill me.

"Stop making me feel so small!" I insist angrily as he stares at me.

"Where were you going to go?" he asks demandingly. His eyes run up and down my body, I slowly follow his gaze to find my shirt open to where it shows my bra. I feel my cheeks turn red as I quickly grab the sides of my t-shirt and pull them together.

"Pervert" I mutter as I use my powers to manipulate my long top into a silky blue top and long, baggy pants.

"You were going to run away again...weren't you?" he asks hesitantly, his eyes looking at me with concern yet annoyance.

"You think that little of me? I'm appalled that you can past such a judgment on me" I scorn furiously.

"What else am I supposed to think?" he whispers.

I shake my head in anger as I take a step to jump off the roof. He stops me though I look at where his hand seems to loiter on my wrist as he looks at the pieces of glass, which is still deep in my flesh. I quickly flinch my hand back as I take a few steps away from him.

"Max, just leave me alone I don't need you" I whisper without looking up, not wanting to see his acrimonious eyes.

"What happened?" he asks softy as he looks to where I'm bleeding ,I ignore him.

I look up into his pleading eyes, which still seems soulless and I can't stand what I have done to his once beautiful eyes. I often wonder what life would be like if I had Max's child inside of me instead of that profound man, which I knew from the shadows. I could never wish upon such a devious yet vindictive thought and yet if I had a choice I would choose it.

"Don't waste your breath," I warn in a trembling voice.

"And if I do? What are you going to do? Kill me?" he mokes under grunted teeth.

"I don't have time for this, I have to sire someone else, which is worth my time" I bark angrily.

"You are so selfish" he murmurs as his gaze drops to where his feet are.

"I'm what?"

"All you ever think about is yourself! You don't give a damn about anyone or anything as long as you're loathed in self-pity then its fine by you!" He tells me as he sits back down to where he originally sat.

"After all we have been through, in the end you never really knew me. Did you?" I ask, trying to keep my emotions in check. I frown at him as he refuses to look at me. His eyes burn a whole through the dark sky, which is pure black.

"At least have the courage or to dignity to look at me!"

He slowly but surely takes his gaze off the gloomy sky as he cautiously looks up to me. "You wouldn't even care for what I have to say, simply because you don't have the time!" I scorn in antagonism.

"I have all the time in the world Liz or have you forgotten?" he whispers back.

"Don't you dare play the guilt game on me! You got what you deserved you pitiful bastard!" I know how cruel I am for saying what I did; yet I don't have the strength to admit my wrong doings in front of the man I love.

"Don't worry Liz I don't expected you to feel any guilt or remorse for that matter because I know how heartless you are" he rebukes coldly.

"Well I guess you never really knew me," I say almost in a whisper as I jump off the roof and onto the pavement. I quickly pick myself up as I sprint towards the place I once called home. Having, needing to see the people I claimed to be my family.

**Tbc..**


	28. My Personal Hell

**A/n: I know i haven't updated in a very long time but i hope this was worth the wait...if all my wonderful readers are still out there, i hope you guys are. Please do review, even if its only one word, let me know that there are still people reading and please do give me your honest opinions!**

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I sigh in frustration, knowing that my parents think I'm dead…after all, I am, they may as well continue to think that. I force myself to turn back, back to the Evan's house; there are still unfinished businesses to attend to. I stiffly walk to where I was trying to run from, I make myself jog. 

I look up to where Max is still sitting, he looks so innocent from where I'm standing, I think to myself. Without much effort I jump on the roof, I see him tremble as I walk near him. "I know how much you hate me…I wish you didn't and at this point whatever I say to you it's going to sound like a lie…" I whisper carefully. He ignores me though," Why do you always run? You run away from your problems…why do you have to be such a coward?" he whispers. I run my hand through my hair, wishing it would take the stress away but it doesn't. I take a staggering breath as I try to put my emotions into words.

I look up into the empty sky for some encouragement, not finding any I look back at him. "How could you sleep with her Max, you claimed you loved me and yet you…" I stutter, knowing to him I'm just being hypercritical. "So that's what drove you to murder her? You were jealous, wow Liz I didn't know you were the murderous type but you know, you seem to prove me wrong every single fucken time!" I hear his harsh voice exclaim. "I didn't kill her…I can't believe you would think that lowly of me, I wish I did though, but if I knew she was carrying your child Max… I would have put myself in front of her, whether you believe it or not, I would have!" he finally looks at me, "For some reason I don't believe you," he says without emotion.

He swiftly gets up and on his feet and jumps off the roof. "Now look who's running away from there issues!" I scream, knowing that he heard me. I clench my fist in anger, I can still feel the pieces of glass that remains in my hand, not caring to pull them out, I ignore it. He has to hear me out, how dare he turn his back on me! He has done it to many times and I'm sick of it, I scream inside my head. It feels like I have no more tears to cry and instead I cry blood.

Vulnerability crashes over me in waves. Why cant things be the way they use to? Where Alex was still alive and when no one knew Tess? Why the fuck did it have to turn out like this? I furiously jump off the roof to follow Max; I look at my surroundings to see if I can find anyone lurking in the shadows, which will always be a burden to me. My eyes detected Max about a hundred metres north as I quickly pick up speed to catch up to him.

I promptly reach for his shoulder; he stops in mid air and swiftly turns to face me. In his hands I see Buffy's dead body. "What are you doing?" I whisper, almost afraid to hear the answer. "Someone has to get rid of the corps before it rots." I nod my head as he continues to walk to the graveyard I was buried in. I subconsciously walk behind him as if scared to come here without his presence would kill me. If I dwelled on my thoughts for to long then I would have realised how insane I've become.

I watch him put the body down on the wet grass, from the rain just hours before; as he kneels down to my grave and with his hands he digs in the soft soil. If truth was to be told I would have been offended that is not to say that I'm not, I have just decided I own this much to her. I don't understand where the guilt has come from nor do I know why I care that I killed Spike. Perhaps its from knowing one day my child is going to ask me where its father is and I will have to lie to my child, just the thought of lying to it feels my heart with despair.

I slowly look back at Max, where he has picked up her dead body and dumps her in the hole he has just dug. Her stiff body doesn't reply, it lies there without a word, her eyes still wide open, I think about closing them but I cant find the strength to reach done for the fear she might pull me in with her.

A few moments later Max throws soil and dirt on her body as she soon decease to exist. I force myself to wish her fare well in her next life, for whoever dies will be reborn and whoever is reborn will die, its inevitable. I feel Max's intense eyes staring at me. I threaten to berate myself if I dare look at his eyes. Just the torment of knowing what I did to him is enough to destroy me and then just knowing I live in denial is enough to live in self-pity.

I softly touch my stiches; it reminds me how I would give up my child just so he can live his pathetic life. The moonshines brighter then I realised and yet still, I feel so hollow. Max grabs my hand, I try to snatch it back but I have forgotten how stubborn and how strong he really is. "You have pieces of glass in your flesh," he tells me as if I don't already know. "Let go," I bark as I twist my wrist away from him. But still he doesn't let go instead he picks out the several pieces of glass.

But still I show no emotion, blood seeps through my flesh as it pours out. I look at it as a piece of my life draining away. I soon yank my hand away before it lingers to long on his. "Why do you even care?" I ask more as a statement then a question. "I dont remember been given the choice on who to love and who to not!" he says as he turns away and out of the cemetery. I stand there for a moment, lost in my thought of mind, its true; I'm burning in my own personal hell.

I slowly make my way to a familiar road, to the ones I called my parents, although I wouldn't dare call them that now for they don't even know whom there daughter is. I don't deserve to have the satisfactory of knowing that my parents loved me nor do I disserve to know if they ever cared. Love is something I lust for yet I know I could never obtain for I cannot fulfil my end of the bargain. I search the empty streets for, something that would lead me back to home.

"Where are you?" I scream into the deserted ally where I found myself hiding behind a large garbage bin.

"Why aren't you ever here when I need you? I need you!" I scream into the nothingness that I have returned from. I gradually lean against the wall as I slowly slide down the bricks as it scratches against my t-shirt. I curl myself up into a miniature ball.

"Why do you continue to leave me alone" I whisper as I once again break down in tears. It was inevitable for them to fall as well as its inevitable for me to endure such length of pain.

"Why must you continue to fail?" I hear his deep voice rebuke. I slowly look up to where I find Max standing before me. Yet knowing that it isn't truly him, it's not the man that I love so dearly, who I love unconditionally. It's merely the creature that I call upon to help me precede my profound deeds.

"Why must you continue to mock me?" I yell viciously as I stand up in front of him.

"Don't be so childish. It is time," He tells me as he gives me a cunning smile. "I am yet to be ready," I tell him stubbornly. "It is not you who shall choose such a task it is I, unless you wish to be alone?" He asks me bitterly. "Why must you be so cruel?" I ask mindlessly

"Your incompetence is infuriating!" he shatters angrily as he faces me, close enough that you would think you could feel his breath against my lips, yet I cant. I try to drown my sorrow behind my façade, which I have created around myself that everyone has been fooled by. They have all been lied to and now that I want them to see through me, they all refuse to see me for who I really am. They cannot believe the mask that has hidden me for so long, is truly I.

So pitiful and naïve at the same time its putrid that the people you thought you loved and came to depend on, is not there when you need them the most. I often ponder on the same questions the ones that I didn't want to ask, for I was, am still afraid of what the answers are.

"Are you with me or not?" He asks, I can already tell that his losing whatever patience that he once had. "I don't want to!" I say but it came out more like a plea. "Then why are you begging for my presence?" he asks, as he try's to mimic Max's expressions. It takes me a few minutes to answer such a difficult, truthful question and when I do I already know it's not the one he wanted to hear. "I needed to feel alive," I whisper in a frustrating voice. He frowns as he displays a serious face, surprised that he isn't laughing at my bizarre comment.

"You shall forever be alone, you are alone no matter how many people surround you. In the end all you have is yourself and when it counts you will be the only one who can get yourself out of the shit that you have indulged in!"

I'm taken back at his such emotional comment as he quickly turns his back on me so I cannot see his tenderness. I shake my head as I quickly ignore it, "I am ready…" I stutter. I'm in the dark, not even realising what I have gotten myself into and yet if its going to make me feel human then I would do it, no matter what the cost is…


End file.
